Sadié Sidney

Been chanting every single day. I feel calmer.

Lately, the term 'service dog' has been coming up for me lately. The word 'service dog' comes up for me because I feel like that's how so many people used to treat me. Like a service dog. I have to always be by their side, make sure they're ok, while they feed me table scraps. That revelation makes me sad. In so many friendships/relationships, I could never truly be me. I could never be sad, angry, confused, confrontational, hopeful, and feel any other deep feeling. I wasn't allowed. Even though the thought makes me sad, it's also freeing knowing that today is a new day and I can change it up anytime. I am no longer a service dog. I no longer beg for treats. That line alone makes me so emotional and tearful. To realize that I felt so low and down about myself, that I had to beg for the bare minimum. How heart breaking. But yes... I do not have to live like that anymore. It is very hard to break old habits. For me, it's hard to break self-deprecating...

I've been watching 'The Secret' everyday and doing about 380 daimoku daily. I've been feeling calm, blessed, and centered. Kind of intimidated about starting school again, but at the same time, it'll give me something to do during the day.

Loved this book from cover to cover, so inspiring.