Lately, the term 'service dog' has been coming up for me lately. The word 'service dog' comes up for me because I feel like that's how so many people used to treat me. Like a service dog. I have to always be by their side, make sure they're ok, while they feed me table scraps. That revelation makes me sad. In so many friendships/relationships, I could never truly be me. I could never be sad, angry, confused, confrontational, hopeful, and feel any other deep feeling. I wasn't allowed. Even though the thought makes me sad, it's also freeing knowing that today is a new day and I can change it up anytime. I am no longer a service dog. I no longer beg for treats. That line alone makes me so emotional and tearful. To realize that I felt so low and down about myself, that I had to beg for the bare minimum. How heart breaking. But yes... I do not have to live like that anymore. It is very hard to break old habits. For me, it's hard to break self-deprecating habits and thoughts. Most days, I do not feel worthy. I do not feel beautiful. I do not feel good enough. But, as of today, I have been in therapy for ahwile and I'm working on getting to a point where those thoughts are far behind me. It is not easy. Constantly being reminded of my schizophrenia and the havoc that my meds take on my body.
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