Propagating Plants

 I heard that you can make plant babies from a leaf so I took a leaf from the big plant in front of my job. I can't wait to see it grow!!!! Today, Bexie comes. She's a Labrador/pit bull mix. She doesn't get along with the other dogs so it's just me and her <3 I want to start writing more poetry, but I really don't know what to write about. I've been so angry, sad, upset, depressed, and so many more negative feelings. I want to start writing when I'm closer to being healed. Right now I really don't have much to say. When I wrote my book, that was so many years of poetry and so much pain..... Now I'm moving into a happy beginning of life where I've been forced to start over since the hospitalization. Oh yeah, I'm thinking about going into a nursing program. I've always wanted to be a nurse but I didn't think I was smart enough to do it. I just want a bright future and a great retirement.... Tomorrow is the magazine shoot. I have NO idea how this is going to turn out. I hope I don't look crazy. I've had jobs where I looked like I was crying the tears of a clown. I've also had really good jobs so I hope I look good. When they want me ti bring my own clothes, I get so sad because I really don't have that many clothes and I hate going shopping. So I need to go to the thrift store and get more clothes for modeling jobs. It seems like my agency will keep me busy so I need to go soon... Today was definitely a better day. I went to D's Soul Full Cafe and ordered the Iron Man which was eggs, roast beef, broccoli, spicy hash, and cheese. It was yummy but I haven't food the place where I can get a great lunch special. I'm always hungry at work... Well, I'm always hungry in general. I love food. I gotta find more books to read on 'nam myoho renge kyo'. I'm so obsessed with it. Bexie's owner told me that she beat cancer which is so amazing. She's actually my profile picture on my doggie website. I had alot to say today because I was happy! I feel like, through nursing, I'll have a purpose in life. At times, I feel like I don't have a purpose or I'm not contributing enough and I get lost... I have the dog sitting business, modeling, and a job, but it never feels like enough. And I don't know why I think it's because I'm a busy body. I just have to be doing something spectacular at all times or I feel so down about myself. When I was in the hospital for suicide ideation, they told my therapist that I have to work on my coping skills. My last session with my therapist, he said that he's worried about me and my safety because I revealed that at times I don't want to live anymore. Which is the honest truth and it's a feeling that I've always struggled with. I don't know why that feeling comes and at times it's very strong. It could be the psychosis, schizophrenia, the depression... I don't know. My psychiatrist is trying to figure out what's going on and what medications could help. So far, the risperidone is working wonders. He said he might take me off of it but I'm so scared to come off of it... I don't want to start hearing voices again and seeing things. So we'll just have to see.........