Complex Feelings

 Today was interesting. First I was doing ok and I was so busy with all the appointments I had. I had like 5+ appointments today. But then I started talking to my therapist about Sidney's anniversary and now I'm upset again... This happens every year where I become angry at everyone who didn't help me when I needed it. It's so inevitable. I just haven't reached that point in forgiveness where I can let go, not yet but I think I'm getting there. I just hate that I feel like everyone watched me struggle and I suffered. I hate that I had to identify my brother with a gun shot wound in his head. I hate that I had my first rape kit when I was five years old. I hate that nobody could help us when we were being beat on at home. I hate that we were homeless. I hate that I've been raped. I hate that I've been abused. I hate that alot of people abandoned me when he passed. I hate that I've been molested before. I hate that he's not here. I hate it. Sometimes it's just not easy. Sometimes I'm just not ok. But I think that I am getting better and I think the most important thing is that I have safe places to go to. It's very important to have people that I can call home, and I have that now. I'm very happy that nobody can put their hands on me anymore. Nobody can call me ugly. Nobody can call me stupid. Nobody can touch me again. I'm free. I do want to get to the point where I have men in my life who won't rape me or sexually assault me. I do want that in my life where I have male friends who genuinely care about me. BUT my safety comes first of course, and I just can't trust men right now. I really have to be careful considering my mental health. But I know one day I'll be able to have good male friends who will never rape me or sexually assault me. I have just one that I know for sure who would never do something like that and we've been friends since we were 6. And I think I struggle with Stockholm. How can my parent do so much for me but take so much away? Does my parent love me? I struggle with that concept so much. I do remember having bad asthma attacks and my family rushing me to the hospital. But in the same month, they hurt me so bad. Is that love? It's hard to imagine your parent doesn't love you when you want them to so bad. And you'll do anything for them to love you. It's hard. You taught me how to swim, how to change a tire, how to survive a bad childhood... but you also taught me how to hate myself. How to curse myself. How to want to hurt myself and be gone for good. How to stay silent when I desperately need help. How to hide my bruises at school. How to say yes because I'm too scared to say no. How to lie and say "I'm ok" when I'm not. That can't be love and I know it's not. But they also say there's no perfect parent so? It's complex. I won't lie, people do have such a hold on me since I've never really had anything my whole life. So someone does something small for me and I hold on to it forever. I wish my family did more for us so nobody can continue hurting us. But abusive relationship after abusive relationship.... I learned that it's ok to have feelings, boundaries, and wants. I used to feel so guilty about putting myself first and now it's getting a bit easier. It's still hard because I can hear my parent saying "Nicole, you're so selfish! All you think about is yourself!" But I know that I'm a sweet person and I know I'm doing the best that I can. I do remember being in an abusive relationship in Jersey and having my ex tell me I'm not a good person because I stood up for myself. I should've poured a fucking drink on his bitch ass. It's not selfish to say no and I have to stand on that. It's not selfish to say that you're uncomfortable. And I have to get used to that, no matter how bad the other person makes me feel. It's hard but it's necessary for mental health.