American Dream Mall

 

We went to the American Dream Mall today. I didn’t know today was Easter, so it was packed! But omg, they have EVERYTHING. I hated the Ferris wheel. But they have a water park, ice skating rink, snowboarding/skiing, and an amusement park for kids. We were there for 4 hours. It didn’t even feel like 4 hours and we still didn’t see everything. That mall is huge omg. When we go back, we’re going to go to the water park, skiing, and ice skating rink. The amusement park is so cool and I want to take my niece and nephew. 

My boyfriend asked me if I would marry him this month or next month. And we’re making plans. He told me he doesn’t want me to work anymore, and he just wants me to stay at home and have fun. That sounds like a great idea to me. I need the help since my disabilities make it so hard to work now. And he’s literally everything I prayed for, but I’m still scared. And I have so many questions. I haven’t been reading my Bible, which I’m ashamed of, but I want to start reading it more and more. This is a scary transition and men naturally annoy me soooo bad. And it’s so much for me to think about. But if we marry, I can get a car and focus on school and just have fun. Instead of me being grumpy all the time and tired, I’ll have help around the house and someone who gives me unlimited attention, care, and help. That would be so nice for me to get a break to rest. I just have so many questions though. Like how does the transition work? Do we get married and then immediately we live together? Can we go on a honey moon to a monastery? Am I a bad person if I get married and don’t tell anyone? What if I’m a bad wife? This is so scary and it’s a lot for me to take in. And I really think I should be careful what I ask for because I’ve been praying for a husband and now I got what I asked for and I’m terrified. But I know, deeply, this is so so so good for me to have someone to take care of me. That would heal so many of my scars because I’ve never had anyone unconditionally love and take care of me other than my siblings. And I feel so weird because I don’t want to tell anyone I’m getting married, I just want to do it. But I also naturally have so many fears and my boyfriend asked me if I’m ready and I said yes but at the same time, I just don’t want anyone to hurt me or use me again. I hate when that happens. But I’m going to pray about it and ask for guidance. I just want to be comfortable and safe and have a good home life. I’m going to cry when I get married. Tears of joy, but also tears of anticipation about this new-found journey in life. I wish my brother was here to see how things have changed. I wish he could’ve saw me modeling, he would’ve been so proud of his little baby sister.