Not Feeling Well

 

I don’t feel good and haven’t been feeling well lately. On Thursday, someone who works with CPS came into my job talking about a story of a 3 year old who has gonorrhea on her private area from her uncle. My manager asked how does an adult penetrate a child if they’re undeveloped and the lady said that the adult rubs their member on the outside of the genital area and tries to penetrate. So yeah….. I was triggered from my childhood. Triggered from my dad sexually abusing me and having to get a rape kit at 5. I quit my job and now I’m staying at home. I’m going to try to make myself feel good and just get some beauty rest. I was about to go to the hospital yesterday for strong suicide ideation but I have so much school work and I want to remain on the dean’s list. I’m struggling but I’m doing my best to manage and try to get things done and remain calm. Luckily, I’m not manic or anything. I just feel like the deepest shade of blue. Today I don’t feel as suicidal as yesterday, because I wrote some really dark, disturbing things that are in drafts. I was going to post it but I know that scares people so I’ll just keep that to myself. But yesterday was bad….. Almost had a mental breakdown and cussed out my boyfriend and broke up with him. I just want to be by myself and with my family, nobody else really understands. I don’t have the energy to explain how I can’t help but feel this way when I’m triggered. I’m mentally ill and I’m doing the best that I can to not cut or harm myself or anyone else when I’m sick. Which takes so much self restraint and resistance to the mental pain. I just need some rest to give my soul a break……

I got some tea, lemons, and honey. Which I’m so happy about!! I LOVE tea. I think I love tea and books just as much as each other. So I need to try the honey pictured because I bought some honey from Walgreens that smelled so bad and tasted horrible. I’m excited to try it. I don’t have the energy to get out my bed today, but I’m excited to make it when I feel better. Which I’m hoping I feel good tomorrow because I’m kind of busy, but I don’t want to be too hard on myself. I can’t control when I get sick (which is so frustrating because nobody understands that I’m not in control of how I feel, no matter how positive and optimistic I try to be) so I have to just try to be so kind and sweet to myself when I don’t have the capability to make it out of bed or answer my phone. I just simply don’t feel good… But I hope tomorrow I can go outside and wear something nice with some pretty jewelry. I always feel good when I do my makeup and wear pretty jewelry. Because I know how hard it can be for me to do that for myself so I appreciate when I can so so much.