Suicidal Today, Fighting myself to not get admitted

 The attack started yesterday after I was triggered. A customer came in to my job and she’s a pediatrician so sometimes she deals with child abuse cases and has to work with CPS. One of the children at the hospital got gonorrhea on her genitals from her uncle, and my manager asked how does an adult penetrate a child. And from there, I’ve been having a bad day and not feeling well. The answer she gave is that an adult would rub their penis on the child’s private area. I want to die. I want to die because that’s what my dad used to do to me almost every night and I had to be strong and fight him off. I got a rape kit when I was 5 years old. I’m not having a good day. I feel so misunderstood, so unloved, so disrespected, and so uncared for. I feel like the deepest shade of blue. I feel like a tornado. I don’t want to be around anyone, I just want to float forever. I know I’m sick. I know. But I can’t help it. If your dad did that to you, you’d be sick too. He never said sorry. He blamed it all on me. Nicole the bad girl. Nicole the fast girl. Nicole the liar. Nicole the crazy one. Nicole the selfish one. Nicole the one who doesn’t listen. Nicole the stubborn girl. That became my personality because of the abuse I experienced. I couldnt help being “bad”. I couldn’t help dating older men when I was a child. I couldn’t help sucking dick in cars. I couldn’t help lying about where I was. I couldn’t help being a bad girl who didn’t listen to her parents. I really don’t want to go to the hospital because they don’t really treat you there unless you actually harm yourself. But I need to talk to someone who knows how to help me without hurting or triggering me. Which is the hard part. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I really just want to stop working so I can just be around my family and i always have someone to talk to.