Thinking About So Much

Today I'm cooking oxtail which I'm so so happy about. I'm slow cooking it in the oven. The recipe called for all these interesting spices like all spice and thyme. Well, to me, I think they're interesting because I usually never cook with them. I'm honestly not hungry today. I think I'm internally not feeling well, but I haven't externally picked up on it. If that makes sense. Like me not wanting to eat is a hige sign that my schizophrenia is becoming active, but I'm going to try to eat and I'm going to try to sleep. I've been taking melatonin every night, but today I took a nap with ease. There's this sausage that I buy that makes me sleepy lol. It's called Hot Smoked Sausage (I think it's by Hillshire Farms). THat sausage makes me so so sleepy lol. I just don't want to be eating that sausage every day because I believe it has alot of sodium. Ugh I've just been thinking so much about everything. Having kids is so stressful, and I feel like I will never ever be ready to have them (through any form of birth/adoption). I feel like I'm not going to be able to mentally handle it and it's going to be too stressful for me. That makes me so sad, but I'm also relieved that I don't have to deal with that because it's alot. With all my health challenges, I don't even want to risk it. Auntie Coley forever. I was thinking of joining the Peace Corps, but I don't know when I'll have time. I was trying to look up how long the projects were. Ok, I looked up how long the projects were. They are like 3-12 months. That's so scary for me. And then I'll be leaving my husband... Yeah, I don't know if I can do that. And then I'll be without my meds. I might hurt myself or someone else. That makes me sad that I can't do things like that because of my sickness(es). I can still do AmeriCorps which is so awesome. I already did one project, so I'm going to actually apply for some more projects in the Fall.