Feeling Misunderstood

I'm feeling very misunderstood today (and yesterday too). I've been sleeping and eating alot and I think I'm doing that to cope. I just feel so misunderstood and lonely. I'm surrounded by support of family, friends, and my husband, But I feel like I have no one. I really want to take a flight to Miami in a private jet and turn my phone off. I plan to do that before the end of the year. I'm starting my doula classes tomorrow.I'm honestly so excited about it. I feel like being a doula will fill a big void in my life of feeling like I'm not doing enough. I'm not working hard enough. I'm so so happy I have this opportunity and the certification is covered by the state of NJ. I'm thanking God. My partially non-verbal autism is affecting my marriage when it comes to communication, so I thought it would be easier to communicate by letter. I can't verbally say how I feel, so I have to write it. I'm going to try to learn ASL (take some classes), so I can learn to sign and to communicate. It may take me some time to get it, but I need to learn to sign so I can effectively communicate. I think my communication problems come from my childhood. Anytime I would speak up about how I felt, I was hit or punched or pushed. I was belittled, humiliated, and ridiculed and now I'm traumatized. It's much easier if I sign or write things down and I think that's ok. There's some people that I'm so comfortable with, I can communicate to them through verbal without the barriers. But there's so many situations where I just can't say what I feel or what happened without that barrier caused by autism and severe abuse. Learning ASL will close that barrier and give me better tools of communication. I want to have some friends that I can sign with. The smoke in the picture is from the Canadian wildfires. The fires are so bad that they came all the way down here. It's very alarming and I'm praying for everyone.