In So Much Pain

Right now, my chest is absolutely killing me. I'm a 38i in bra size and my chest is constantly hurting and giving me heart problems. Even though I feel this way, I'm going to try to go to Princeton today, just to make sure I know how to get to the campus for Monday. I'm going to start being busy, busy, busy and I'm going to hate it. I've been trying to get enough rest as I can before school starts. Today, I woke up severely depressed. I have so many negative feelings towards my life and I feel so alone in nobody understanding what I go through on a daily basis while living with 5+ mental illnesses. It's so hard for me and I've been dealing with this since I was a little girl. I wake up and feel so worthless. I have so much support but I constantly feel so alone. I feel so misunderstood. Today I woke up feeling like I'd be better off dead than alive. The pain I'm in today is unbearable. I miss my dad. I miss my 2 late brothers. I miss my late grandma. Why do I have to suffer? Why do I have to have schizophrenia and bipolar? Why do I have to deal with this? I want to go to the hospital, but I have too much going on to take a break. When I can take a break, instead of going to the hospital this time, I'm going to maybe go on vacation. I'm in so much pain. I'm going to try and see if I can visit my friend Sharon today. My sister Emerald suggested I move back to Atlanta and I'm not against that at all. I need a team of people to help me. I'm not trying to be mean but my husband isn't enough. I need a family and I don't have one and it pains me. I feel so lost in the world.. like I'm just coasting. Everyday is a struggle for me, there's no easy days. There's no days off with my mental illness. It's an everyday fight to not hurt myself. Not to jump off a bridge. According to statistics, schizophrenics are 175 times more likely to commit suicide and I see why. This illness is very disabling. No matter how many people love and support you, it's never enough. Living with Schizophrenia is a road that I've had to travel on my own for many years. Going years without a proper diagnosis of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, PMDD, anxiety, depression, and austism was so hard for me. BUT I did it and I made it this far. Even though I've been in and out the hospital this past year, I'm doing the best that I can to hold on.