Why Do I Miss My Dad So Much?

I know it's wrong to miss my dad because he caused me to have a rape kit when I was five and he murdered my brother... but I miss him so much. He taught me how to read, write, speak, pay bills, swim, ride a bike, and so much more. I wish he never hurt us the way that he did because now I'm without him and it pains me. I want a father in my life and I need the attention from him, but it's so dangerous having a relationship with him. I don't want to die because my father can't control his anger towards himself and his kids. If I had a father in my life, I won't lie, I'd be happy as hell. I'm smiling just thinking about all the times me and my dad used to take trips, go to the beach, have talks, and he'd teach me how to cook. I miss that so much and I feel alone without my parents. I need them so badly but I can't risk my life for any relationship. It's not worth it. I'm not sure why he's been on my mind lately. I wonder what he thinks of me sometimes. Does he worry if I'm ok? Does he pray for me? I doubt it but I still wonder. I got married and none of my parents were there and it hurts me to think about. I really do believe that if my parents didn't abuse me, I'd be more able-minded. If my dad didn't molest me, the trajectory of my life would completely change. They say that "things happen for a reason" and I hate that saying. If I had a dad that loved me and took care of me as a kid, I would do anything for him. When I cook a good meal, I want to share it with my father and make him so proud but then I remember that I can't. I remember that he's a convicted felon, murderer, child molester and, for my safety, I can't do things like that. I can't talk to him about the struggles I have with marriage, becoming a doula, and getting into a great program at Princeton. I want to so bad though but I know better. He'd probably be so surprised that I got into a nursing program. I really wanted to be a veterinarian when I was a kid and he'd probably push me to do that instead. I wish I could go to the beach with my father one last time. One last hug. Whenever I used to achieve something, he always would call me his "big girl". That meant so much to me as a kid lol. All of the things he taught me meant so much and I'll never forget them. I truly believe that people don't understand how hard things are until they go through it. Growing up with the family dynamics that I encountered was nothing short of extremely difficult. When your parents don't love and take care of you as a child, that has the power to put a weight on your ankle and throw you into the sea. It drowns you. It depresses you. It makes you ill. Even the strongest of the strongest need their mommy and daddy. When my dad left us, I didn't understand it at all. I just know that he was moving back to Detroit and that was it. No good bye, no hug, no kiss, no I'll miss you. I heard about it through word of mouth and honestly I was happy that he left. He was beating me and making my life a living hell on earth. But I look back and I realize how much it hurt me when he left us. Why could I never be good enough for my daddy? Which cuases so many internal issues and so many mental scars. I have no idea how long I'll be in therapy and group to get to a more livable mental state, but I know one of my therapists suggested that I stay in therapy for the rest of my life due to my mental illnesses and severe trauma. I don't disagree.