** Update On Life**

<3333 Life is going well. All my bills are paid on time, thank God. My hair is getting so long now!!! It grows almost an inch a month with the Chebe powder that I use and the pills that I take!!! Now that I'm focusing on myself, I HATE when people talk to me. I honestly just want to be left ALONE. At a time where I wished people would call/text me, I wished people would care, I wished people would wonder about me... I am quite the opposite. I don't want to be called, I don't want to be texted, I don't care if people wonder about me... All I care about is myself, my sister, and my clients. Anything else, I could care less. Focusing on myself has helped me in so many ways. I don't want to be bothered anymore and rightfully so. I've been texting my girl pen pal in Gambia alot, I love her! We're so close that she has me thinking of visiting Gambia and possibly living there. She is my sweetheart, my kindness. I am now working towards my PMH-C certification and I now volunteer as a Postpartum International Support Coordinator for the state of New Jersey. In this role, I support parents who are dealing with postpartum mental health issues and I support them emotionally and also by providing resources in their area. A PMH-C certification is a perinatal mental health certificate and it will help me support my doula clients. I am also on a journey to get my IBCLC, which is where I plan to travel to Africa and support mothers through lactation consulting. Everything I'm doing right now takes so much time, but with patience comes great things. So I'm trying trying trying to be patient even though I struggle with anxiety severely. It's like I'm always in a race. I'm always running. I believe that is due to the extent of trauma I've endured. Constantly being told, "You're not good enough" "You're a bad person""You're selfish""You're dumb""You're stupid""You're not doing anything with your life""You'll never be shit"... I have to admit that words get to me. They hurt so bad especially coming from loved ones. But, as of now, I am surrounded by people that love me and care so much about me. I try to ignore the naysayers, which I know I will get better at overtime now that I'm surrounded by friends and family. So something that I've truly been struggling with for five years, as the ones closest to me know, is my ex trying to boil my face in water 5 years ago. I won't lie.. It gets tough dealing with that one occurence. Because how could you do that to someone?? And it's something that haunts me everyday and a constant topic in therapy as I'm getting better. What happens always plays back in my mind. Him screaming "BITCHES DIE OVER SHIT LIKE THIS! BITCHES DIE OVER SHIT LIKE THIS!" and then grabbing me by my hair and holding my face close to boiling hotdog water still brings me nightmares. Initially, when it happened, I was so traumatized to the point of calmness where I was just like it's whatever. As a 23-year-old woman who has grown and matured, my heart breaks for that 18-year old baby who was just trying to do everything to make her boyfriend happy. Whatever it took to make him happy, I'd do it. All my money.. I'd gladly give to him. All my time.. Sure. All my dignity and respect.. It's no problem. As I think about that relationship, all I can do is be upset. He took advanatage of me for 3 years. Left me when my twin brother passed away for his ex that he was cheating on me with and never paid me back for all the money he took from me. If that was my child... Oh my goodness. As I'm working through the trauma, it's not easy. I can't tell anybody because ignorant or insensitive people will tell me to "Just let it go." The PTSD from that relationship is so life-altering that I literally cannot let it go. Not that I even wish harm on him (I don't), but his behavior disgusts me to a level that bothers me as a grown woman. He was 5 years older than me and taking money from a baby girl. Who does that?? It's so hard on me. But one thing I learned through volunteering at a barn is that riding horses helps with PTSD. So, I looked up some horse stables near me and plan to go riding to celebrate being 6 months out of the psych ward. I really struggle with being in and out of the psych ward so 6 months is a long time for me. I pray that there's many more months to come.......