Overcoming Myself and Remembering This Too Shall Pass
This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
This is what I tell myself as I go through this new season of change. So many changes all at one time. This season I let so many people go. While it's been scary, it's also been rewarding. I have more time for myself. More time to think. More time to heal. More time to get better. My whole life I have been a caregiver, which leaves the question of who's going to take care of me? The answer is me. I can't take care of myself if I'm taking care of everyone else, it's not possible. I can't worry about everyone else and then neglect myself. That's essentially what I've been dealing with my whole life. Neglect. It makes me so sad inside to think about me being neglected in relationships and childhood. It's an ongoing ordeal that I'm currently breaking free from. The only way to really stop it is to love myself. It sounds so simple, but I stil struggle after all of these years to do something that sounds so simple. Something that people have been raised to do and accept within themselves. I was raised to hate myself and find myself as a bother to the world, so it's not that easy for me but I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I think me cutting everyone off and focusing on myself will do me so much good, in my opinion. Letting go. Letting go can be so hard sometimes especially when you've made plans with someone. But, I feel, it is better to live in the present. See things for how they are, not how they could be. That is something I also have to work on. Since I've had to create fantasies during my childhood to survive, I'm in this loop of fantasy when it comes to people. I fantasize about happiness when I'm not even happy with them now. I fantasize about beauty with people (not all romantic relationships) when it's so ugly and dark right now. Overcoming myself. Overcoming my schizophrenia. Overcoming my bipolar I disorder. Overcoming my hardships. Forgiving myself. Remembering that I'm doing the best that I can, and that I did the best that I could. Those are notions that I have to keep in mind when people try to shame, humiliate, or question me. I did the best that I could during times where I could've lost my life. Man, everything is so hard on me right now.
This is what I tell myself as I go through this new season of change. So many changes all at one time. This season I let so many people go. While it's been scary, it's also been rewarding. I have more time for myself. More time to think. More time to heal. More time to get better. My whole life I have been a caregiver, which leaves the question of who's going to take care of me? The answer is me. I can't take care of myself if I'm taking care of everyone else, it's not possible. I can't worry about everyone else and then neglect myself. That's essentially what I've been dealing with my whole life. Neglect. It makes me so sad inside to think about me being neglected in relationships and childhood. It's an ongoing ordeal that I'm currently breaking free from. The only way to really stop it is to love myself. It sounds so simple, but I stil struggle after all of these years to do something that sounds so simple. Something that people have been raised to do and accept within themselves. I was raised to hate myself and find myself as a bother to the world, so it's not that easy for me but I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I think me cutting everyone off and focusing on myself will do me so much good, in my opinion. Letting go. Letting go can be so hard sometimes especially when you've made plans with someone. But, I feel, it is better to live in the present. See things for how they are, not how they could be. That is something I also have to work on. Since I've had to create fantasies during my childhood to survive, I'm in this loop of fantasy when it comes to people. I fantasize about happiness when I'm not even happy with them now. I fantasize about beauty with people (not all romantic relationships) when it's so ugly and dark right now. Overcoming myself. Overcoming my schizophrenia. Overcoming my bipolar I disorder. Overcoming my hardships. Forgiving myself. Remembering that I'm doing the best that I can, and that I did the best that I could. Those are notions that I have to keep in mind when people try to shame, humiliate, or question me. I did the best that I could during times where I could've lost my life. Man, everything is so hard on me right now.
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