Scared to Post

Sometimes I get so scared to post on here. I think I'm going to get 'in trouble' for saying how I truly feel. I think that comes from how I grew up. We were not allowed to say or show how we truly felt, so it is quite scary for me to have this blog sometimes. I get to say what I want, how I want, when I want, but comes with that is a certain level of shame, guilt, and confusion. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I hurt someone? What if I say something offensive? These are questions that I ask myself on a daily basis. I won't lie, this blog has become a big part of my life. I think about it quite often. It's like I finally have a place where I can be myself. I have an outlet. I was going to say that I wish I had this blog when I was younger, but I'm not all quite sure about that. On one hand, I think it would've been a great tool. On the other hand, I may have said something ignorant because I was a child. I question my notions on that because I've always been sensitive to how other people feel, but I was a child and there were some things that I was ill-informed on being a child. Things are starting to have meaning to me now including music, books, and nature. I think for a while I was so numb to the world. Nothing could move me inside. I had felt everything from such a young age: pain, pleasure, dishonesty, distrust, love, heartbreak. There was nothing that surprised me. As of today, it's getting better. I listened to Solange's album and I felt something. My favorite song on there is weary. I can relate to that. After everything I've been through, I'm weary of the ways of the world. I'm weary of people and what they say and do. I learned to always give people gifts and cards because I never know when my last day will be. I've lost people close to me and it felt like they never existed because they didn't leave a trace in the world. Not their fault at all because nobody knows when they're going to die. Nobody can predict that unless you go to a very good psychic or you have a high level of clairvoyance. That's why I've always been a giving person especially after Sidney. When Sidney passed, I had nothing left of him. My dad had all of his belongings that he left behind, but nobody could get any of his things because we were ordered to stay away from my dad because he was the suspect in his murder. That hurt my feelings. I wanted something from my brother. Anything. That's when I started wanting to cut. I wanted to feel something and have a reminder of the pain. Since then, I have gotten so much better. I can feel. I can feel down to my breathing and down to my posture. I do wish that I had some of my brother's ashes. Just anything that I can hold.