Sleeping Again...

Today is the first night that I slept 6 hours without melatonin. It's still not enough hours in compatison to how many I usually sleep. I usually sleep for like 8-12 hours when I'm not sick. But I am so happy about that. If I don't sleep properly, it can trigger my schizophrenia and I have to go to the psych ward. I do not like going to the psych ward, so I'm grateful that I'm back sleeping. There's so many things that I want to say right now in this blog, but I'm struggling with how to say it. I do want to say that I'm happy I have this outlet. So happy. I feel like my whole life I have never been able to express myself properly without being yelled at or hit. (So some days I do have a fear posting on this blog for that reason, but I still follow through). I've been told many times that I'm spoiled even though I grew up in a homeless shelter and had my first rape kit when I was 5. If I'm spoiled, then what does it look like to be treated well? Decent even. Sometimes I wake up and I hate everyone. I wake up and feel a big let down from the world. The world doesn't owe me anything, I know that. But people can be so selfish, self-centered, judegmental, cruel, and insensitive. Alot of days, I'd prefer to just be alone and to myself. It is much safer that way anyways. Today, I'm trading. I am very anxious about it because the last two weeks have been very horrible in trading. Usually I do puts, but lately I've been doing calls because the stock market is going up. I'm very nervous honestly. I'm thinking about putting a call into microsoft, but target is going up as well. Target, right now, has alot of volatality, so it may not be smart for me to invest in that one. I'm not sure if I updated this blog on my professional life, but I did get an interview at Rikers island to be a doula. I haven't heard back from them so I'm not sure how it went. But if I don't get hired, I'll volunteer myself at Rikers island to be a doula. I've been trying to get a job at Rikers island for 4 years and I just don't feel like stopping. I want to help mothers out in the prison, so I'm trying to figure out how to do it.