Going to a Child Abuse Survivor Meeting Tomorrow

One aspect of my childhood that bothers me so much is when I lived with my dad. Living with my dad was one of the most traumatic experiences that I had to live through, of many. I genuinely thought I wouldn't make it. I thought he would kill me. Now that an investigation has been opened where my dad was the suspect in my brother's death, my claims don't seem so absurd. Nobody ever told me that my dad went to prison for malice murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Something that can still make me sad is thinking about when my dad used to beat me with the metal buckle of his belt and record it. I would do something "bad" and he would try to make me take my clothes off so he can beat me all over my body with the buckle of his belt. I was 15. This was something that I grew to be ashamed of because nobody stood up for me. When my dad called me a bitch and a hoe, nobody cared. When I had welts over my back and arms from his belt buckle, nobody cared. And it still pains me very bad to this day. I wish people would understand what I've been through in this lifetime, but that's not for me to control. Going to groups has already been a big help for me. They understand... They don't judge. They just love. I remember one time when my dad was beating me with the buckle of his belt on my back and it hurt so bad that I yelled "I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!" and he said "Ok, go kill yourself. There's poison outside, go drink it and kill yourself." It still hurts my feelings that my dad encouraged me to kill myself as a child and nobody even believed me. I was told that I was a lying, spoiled brat. As I go through my journey of healing, I'm grateful for the people that I have around me. I wouldn't trade them for anyone.. They understand. I don't mean to be mean but I just really don't want anyone else around me. They don't get it and it's because they don't have to get it. They never went through what I went through, so how could they ever understand what I went through as a child?