The Hardest Part About Living With 6 Disabilities
My official diagnoses are schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PMDD, depression, anxiety, and severe PTSD.
To be honest, the hardest part about living with my disabilties is the wanting to live and trying not to hurt myself. The sleepless nights, the overeating, undereating, racing thoughts, and paranoia all add to not wanting to live. Trying to find a therapist and psychiatrist that half way cares and isn't just throwing medications at you makes it even harder. I have to admit that it's not an easy life, I don't care what anyone says. They don't know. Every little inconvenience, rumor, or mean person makes me want to cut or hurt myself. It sounds so dramatic but it is truly the reality of the situation. Like right now, I can't get a full nights sleep to save my life. I've tried everything from melatonin to sleeping pills. It's been like this almost my whole life. It's like I'm nocturnal or something. I sleep during the day and stay up most of the night and midnight. It scares me because it can make the voices stronger and make me sicker, but what can I really do about it?
Sometimes the past haunts me. All of my exes that abused me.. It's hard to escape it. I understand forgiveness and letting go, but forgetfulness? That's not possible. I remember it all. Every hurtful word, every hit, every time I was called a bitch, hoe, or told I wasn't going to be anything from my exes. It haunts me and visits me at night. I wish more people understood the detriments of abuse. It is truly traumatic and detrimental. It makes me want to isolate myself because sometimes I can only trust myself.
To be honest, the hardest part about living with my disabilties is the wanting to live and trying not to hurt myself. The sleepless nights, the overeating, undereating, racing thoughts, and paranoia all add to not wanting to live. Trying to find a therapist and psychiatrist that half way cares and isn't just throwing medications at you makes it even harder. I have to admit that it's not an easy life, I don't care what anyone says. They don't know. Every little inconvenience, rumor, or mean person makes me want to cut or hurt myself. It sounds so dramatic but it is truly the reality of the situation. Like right now, I can't get a full nights sleep to save my life. I've tried everything from melatonin to sleeping pills. It's been like this almost my whole life. It's like I'm nocturnal or something. I sleep during the day and stay up most of the night and midnight. It scares me because it can make the voices stronger and make me sicker, but what can I really do about it?
Sometimes the past haunts me. All of my exes that abused me.. It's hard to escape it. I understand forgiveness and letting go, but forgetfulness? That's not possible. I remember it all. Every hurtful word, every hit, every time I was called a bitch, hoe, or told I wasn't going to be anything from my exes. It haunts me and visits me at night. I wish more people understood the detriments of abuse. It is truly traumatic and detrimental. It makes me want to isolate myself because sometimes I can only trust myself.
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