Missing My Dad Who Molested Me and Caused Me to Have a Rape Kit at 5...

This is the weirdest feeling I've ever had, but I miss my dad. My dad has caused so much turmoil in my life. He has caused me to want to harm myself on many occasions and even tried to coerce me to harm myself. He was the only suspect on my brother's murder case. He has hurt me time and time again... But somehow I miss him? I know it's not healthy and it's not even safe for me to miss my father, but I do. I can't help it... I admired my dad so much. I wanted to be just like him. We went to the beach together, we went on so many rides together, we talked about so many things.... I was sad when he wasn't there when I got married. I wish he could've been there. There's so many days that I wish he would love me back. I miss him... I've always been a daddy's girl at heart. It's not easy, but I'm making it day by day.