Not Black and White

What I've learned through dating, relationships, and marriage is that nothing is black and white. Nothing is perfect. What you see online is not always reality. Just because you see someone smiling, doesn't mean that they are happy. Just because you see a couple smiling, it doesn't mean that they are happy together. In my relationships and marriage, I expected things to be a certain way and I was highly disappointed. I listened to other people. I allowed others into my business. I allowed people to make me angry about things in my relationships that didn't matter. I've learned that it's more important to listen to myself. Listen to what feels good to me.... Growing up, I saw my father mistreat my mother in so many ways. As a child seeing that, I thought that mistreatment was normal. I look back at my past relationships and I see how my partners didn't show up for me and it hurts that I allowed that. As of today, the most important thing is that I show up for myself. Because of the lack of love that I received in my childhood, my #1 wish was to be loved. If anybody could love me... I'd be happy. That comes from me wanting my father to love and accept me and my brother. I would've done any and everything for my father to love. I would've crawled on hot coal for my father to call me beautiful. I did not receive the love that I wanted from my father as a little girl. My dad never told me I was beautiful. So, I grew up thinking that I'd be lucky if just one person loved me. I accepted anything in the past, as long as they did the bare minimum. As of today, I don't look elsewhere for love. I look within myself. I don't beg to be loved anymore. If you love me, that is ok. If you don't, that's ok too. I no longer beg for the love that I wish I received. I am strong enough to stand on my own. I am strong enough to know that I am beautiful and nobody else has to agree with that sentiment. Ultimately, that makes me a better partner. I no longer beg and cry for people to desperately stay. Whether someone stays or not, does not affect the quality of my life. I am one with Allah. Knowing this has helped me so much.