How I'm Holding Up/Still Recovering from my Ex

Well... I'm hanging in there. I meant to make a post on father's day, but I was so sad and just not feeling my best. Since I was a little girl, I always wanted a father. I always wanted someone who could walk with me down the aisle and be there in my decision to get married. Not having either of my parents there for my marriage hurt me in a way that I can't describe or put into words. Without Sidney and my grandma, I feel so lonely and alone. I feel like I have no direction or no purpose, despite everything that I've accomplished. I feel lost.... I remember reading this book called Everlost and it was one of the best books I ever read along with a book named House of the Scorpion. In the book Everlost, they talk about living in a dimension where you're not yet dead but stuck in the middle between life and death. You are essentially "everlost". Poetically, I think that book to stand for so many things and ideas that are existent in this world today. I think that book was in the science fiction category, but it was so beautifully written and detailed, it could've represented many categories. Right now, I am still struggling with the notion that my ex tried to boil my face in water. I don't know when I'll ever see past this. I don't know when I'll ever be able to not cry when thinking about how small I felt. If you've never been disrespected and assaulted in your own home... it is the worst feeling to experience. To be disrespected and mishandled in a place that is supposed to be your safe space just simply feels so... wrong. After almost having my face boiled in water, I remember not wanting to go home. Wanting to break free and just get away. My one way flight to New York saved my life and my sanity. I never thought that my ex would do something like that. I know that in arguments people say things and do things, but he took it way too far. I am severely mentally scarred from that situation and I will never forget what he did and said to me. I felt unsafe in my own home and he wouldn't leave while he screamed and hurt me for hours. I stood there in silence, patiently waiting for him to leave while he told me that I'd never be anything other than a hoe sucking dick. Those words still stick with me and make me feel so icky inside. I think that's where my ideas of not being good enough come from. No matter what I accomplished, to my ex, I was nothing but a hoe and he wasn't afraid to tell me on multiple occasions that I don't mean anything to him. He took thousands of dollars from me and even stole my dog from me. It is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life. My dad molesting me is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Having a rape kit at 5 years old is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. It is not easy, but I'm hanging in there. I try my best everyday. Some days are better than others, and some days are worse than others. But I'm still here. Grateful for all of my days.