Come So Far…
To think that I came all the way from College Park and I was modeling in NYC just hit me this morning. (It's 6 am right now) What is little Nicole doing in NYC? I am the youngest of 10, so I'll always be baby. Sometimes it's surreal that I've come so far. From the bruises of my father to the abandonment of my mother... to a mother contract in London. Slowly it's starting to hit me. Even though I've been here for 5 years, it doesn't feel like it. Booking that one way ticket was something that I'll always be proud of.
Yesterday was NOT a good day for me. I had so much heavy on my mind and on my heart... In a perfect world, I should be able to let go and move on. We do not live in a perfect world. I do not have the perfect life. Those are priviledges that I'll never succumb to. It was so bad for me that I wanted to block everyone out of my phone. (I blocked some people) I wanted to disappear. I wanted to turn my phone off and start over. I wanted to go to a place where no one could find me. This time, I wasn't even suicidal. Just feeling more like... I don't even have the words for it. Just felt... sad? Blue. I felt like the color blue. The darkest shade of blue. My cat has been keeping me great company with all her cuddles and playfulness. She loves to play all the time. My sweet girl. She's getting big so fast! On my darkest days, she's been there. My favorite food right now is chopped cheese and I've been enjoying them everyday from my kitchen! I realized that vegan butter makes toast better than butter with dairy, so I've mostly been using Country Crock vegan butter (avocado oil flavor). I make toast on stove top, but I know my dad makes it in the oven.
I was also second guessing my blog... Do I talk about too many sad things? Who wants to read all this sad stuff? But, at the same time, when I was a teenager I can remember loving to read sad things (and I still do!). So, maybe this blog isn't a mistake. I love reading memoirs full of trauma. It honestly helps me get through the pain knowing I'm not the only one who has a broken smile. Maybe that's something that can only reach a certain audience, and I shouldn't be ashamed of being sad. I've always been shamed because I'm sad. "You're too pretty to be sad" "You've got it all" "What do you have to be sad about?" It's not about being pretty. It's not about your perceptions of my life. I am sick. I am disabled. I do not have the ability to be happy (according to many psychiatrists I've seen). So, therefore, I am sad. And that's ok. Not the end of the world, just something that I struggle to deal with on a daily basis. But, so far, most people can't tell how I feel. I hide it well for the benefits of others. So, I've made it my safe space with sometimes up to 100+ readers a day. A safe space for sad people. People that have been through horrors, but they're still hanging on.
Yesterday was NOT a good day for me. I had so much heavy on my mind and on my heart... In a perfect world, I should be able to let go and move on. We do not live in a perfect world. I do not have the perfect life. Those are priviledges that I'll never succumb to. It was so bad for me that I wanted to block everyone out of my phone. (I blocked some people) I wanted to disappear. I wanted to turn my phone off and start over. I wanted to go to a place where no one could find me. This time, I wasn't even suicidal. Just feeling more like... I don't even have the words for it. Just felt... sad? Blue. I felt like the color blue. The darkest shade of blue. My cat has been keeping me great company with all her cuddles and playfulness. She loves to play all the time. My sweet girl. She's getting big so fast! On my darkest days, she's been there. My favorite food right now is chopped cheese and I've been enjoying them everyday from my kitchen! I realized that vegan butter makes toast better than butter with dairy, so I've mostly been using Country Crock vegan butter (avocado oil flavor). I make toast on stove top, but I know my dad makes it in the oven.
I was also second guessing my blog... Do I talk about too many sad things? Who wants to read all this sad stuff? But, at the same time, when I was a teenager I can remember loving to read sad things (and I still do!). So, maybe this blog isn't a mistake. I love reading memoirs full of trauma. It honestly helps me get through the pain knowing I'm not the only one who has a broken smile. Maybe that's something that can only reach a certain audience, and I shouldn't be ashamed of being sad. I've always been shamed because I'm sad. "You're too pretty to be sad" "You've got it all" "What do you have to be sad about?" It's not about being pretty. It's not about your perceptions of my life. I am sick. I am disabled. I do not have the ability to be happy (according to many psychiatrists I've seen). So, therefore, I am sad. And that's ok. Not the end of the world, just something that I struggle to deal with on a daily basis. But, so far, most people can't tell how I feel. I hide it well for the benefits of others. So, I've made it my safe space with sometimes up to 100+ readers a day. A safe space for sad people. People that have been through horrors, but they're still hanging on.
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