Want To Do A Fully Nude Shoot

Oh my... I woke up today feeling like absolute shit. I don't know where this imposter sydrome is coming from or what triggered it this time. I think it's from my dad. He told me that I was too fat to ever model and too dumb to ever be anything. He told me I'm the dumbest person he ever met. Now I have this chip on my shoulder that no matter my educational accolades, I'll never be smart enough. No matter my achievements in modeling, I'll never be skinny enough to be attractive. It is the most defeating thing. With my current ex, he called me a 'stupid bitch' and I was truly done. Usually, I talk about how I feel and why things are not ok to do/say. But, this time, I said no. It reminded me too much of my father and how I was never enough. All the times my dad made fun of me and called me a 'hoe' and a 'bitch' was so hurtful to my soul. So, when he wanted to apologize to me and begged to take him back, there was no reply. Keep your apology, I'm good. I have been away from my father for over 10 years, but I still feel like I'm in his grasp and that I can't escape. 15 years of incest and abuse has really taken a toll on me. I know that I'm healing and putting the pieces back together and that takes time, but I feel like I've lost a fight. I feel like I'm at my lowest and can't get back up sometimes. It spills over into all I do, no matter how much I try to avoid it or not think about it. I try to talk about how I feel with other people, but I always feel like it falls on deaf ears. I remember when I used to tell people about my father hitting me and people would blame it on me. I should've been nicer to my father, they said. I should've listened to my father, they said. I felt so trapped. In my last relationship, that's how I felt. Trapped and held hostage by someone who could care less about me and the support that I needed. In actuality, I felt trapped in all my relationships. An abused bird in a cage. An ignored child dependent on their abuser. Maya Angelou's poetry has been speaking to me lately so much... Now I know why the caged bird sings.... I am that caged bird. Singing. Longing. For someone or something to come save me from the entrapments of my mind and life.