I hate my poetry #2

Imposter Syndrome /Forgotten/Unforgettable
Don’t you understand I just want to be unforgettable?
Don’t you understand I’m me?
Don’t you understand I’m just a black girl from college park with the nappy hair and the big lips?
Don’t you understand? You get it, right?



I’m 24 with no degree
Sometimes it makes me sad to think about… so I try to avoid those thoughts
Just like the days I think of when I lost my brother to murder when I turned 19… it makes me sad



Everyday I have to worry about how life will treat me each day
Everyday I have to get on my knees and pray
That God will continue to protect me and my family
I can’t miss a day
No, not in this crazy world
It’s crazy how the people who are unforgettable to me are so easily forgotten by the world?



How can the world still spin on its axis after I lost my grandma? How can the world still spin when a child like my brother is murdered?



How?



How…..



I carry the weight of my family on my shoulders
And it’s heavy and filled with secrets swept under my grandma’s living room rug



Am I wrong for wanting better for myself?
It sure feels like it when I people get angry with me for not answering my phone



Am I wrong for distancing myself from everyone to focus on my career and college degree?
It sure feels like it when people get angry when I don’t answer their texts



It sure feels like excelling is wrong and dangerous, especially when you’re from where I’m from
College Park, GA



Oh my goodness, what a life we live
Anything can happen and it does
But we walk around like nothing’s wrong



Maybe it’s true that I’m crazy
Because I can’t walk around and keep saying I’m good when I’m bad
That I can’t always smile every time I speak
I can’t
I can’t
I can’t lie
I can’t do it



The ones who hurt you can never go further than your progress
I try to keep that in mind when I think of all the trauma
Like that’s supposed to make it feel better, anyways?



Am I really who they think I am
Am I really progressing when my therapist says I am?
Or is it just him trying to get his check every two weeks and writing that to hurry our sessions
Am I really an all A’s student or am I really stupid like my dad says?
Am I really not good enough?
Am I really?



What am I afraid of?
Breaking the promises of those around me when I say I’ll be ok when my family says they’re concerned about me What am I afraid of?
Texting first and never getting a text back



What am I afraid of?
I’m afraid of me..
I’m afraid of being good enough
I’m afraid of being “just right”
I’m afraid of being treated right
I’m afraid of never crying again
I’m afraid of spending money on myself because I feel like I don’t deserve it
I’m afraid…..
I’m afraid of that happy ending
I only know of bad endings
I’m afraid of being me
I’m afraid of starting my sentences with “I am…”
I’m afraid of stillness
I’m afraid of change
What if I change into the person I want to be?
Then what?
I’m afraid of being forgotten
What would it take for me to be unforgettable?
What would it take?
I’ll ask again
What does it take?
Im afraid of being hooked on drugs like my father
I’m afraid of losing it all
Im afraid…