Wish I Had the Vocabulary for What I Feel

I don't have the words for how I feel... I just feel so weird? I don't even know.
Turning 25 has definitely changed me in ways that I don't really comprehend. Too old for some habits and ideas, but too young to fully grasp the whole scope of life. I don't even know if that makes sense, but this is where I am today. I always remember that I have schizophrenia (how could I ever forget?) but I constantly forget that I also was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder. So my mood swings are off the walls. How I'm able to exist without any help... I don't know... But I am trying my best here to remain sane and do what needs to be done on a daily basis. This book that I'm reading has been the truth. I had no idea when I rented this book from my local library that I would feel the way that I have felt. It is not a coincidence that this book found me.

When I first started reading the book, it was set in Alabama and it had a country twang to it and I just couldn't see how I could manage to read this book and enjoy it. But me... Once I start a book, I have to finish it. This dedication that I have to finish what's been started always leads me to the greatest books. When it comes to black authors, I'm determined to read the book from cover to cover, no matter how rough the beginning is. Well... The connection I have to this book has brought out so many emotions. One of the main characters has the beautiful name of Adeni. She is Kenyan (which is funny because my best friend is Kenyan and he's in Nairobi right now where a crucial part of this book takes place). Adeni goes through FGM (female genital mutilation) at a young age because her father insists on it and it affects her mentally in the deepest ways. Because of the affects of her mutilation, she sees and hears things and she spaces out alot. She is not able to have an orgasm because of the mutilation. When the book got to the part where they mutilated her clitoris and labia... It was so hard to get through. I understand that it's a book, but this is a reality that young children go through. This is a tradition that can't be escaped in many parts of the world and it honestly was so disturbing to read. It took me some time to get through that part because it was just so deep and so true. When it got to the part of Adeni not being able to have an orgasm and being promiscuous, I felt understood in a way that I've never felt before. I was deflowered by my father at a very young age and I did not go through the horrors of FGM, no. But I did experience so much sexual trauma that my womb is so internally scarred that I am not able to bear a child at this time. I am not able to experience an orgasm from penetration because I have been penetrated to the point of numbness from a young age. I was promiscuous when I was a teenager because I was looking for something. What I was looking for? I really don't even know. I wanted someone to care. And I felt like if I used my body, they would care. Sometimes they cared, sometimes they didn't care. It took me being on meds to fully stop my hypersexuality and get a grip on my promiscuity. I would never say I was a "hoe" (I hate that word so much), but I was a direct product of my father's abuse. I did the best I could to cope. I did the best I could to be ok. And I know, not think, that I did a good job at that. I do, at times, feel like I have a chip on my shoulder because of everything I've been through. I feel like I am ran through, used up, and no good. People tell me 25 is so so young, but I feel so old and mature. I feel misunderstood in ways that cut so deep and wound me so hard. So I am grateful for books in general, they give me an escape. They make me feel so seen and so heard in a world where I feel like I am invisible and worthless. I may end up buying this book and adding it to my collection because it truly touched my heart. I respect the author so much for bringing up the reality and detrimental aftermath of FGM. Adeni is a warrior and she may not be a real person, but she has inspired me. I truly don't know if it's healthy for me to read things that remind me of my childhood, but it's almost like therapy to me. Books take me places that this world could never bring me to. They spark up memories, ideas, and thoughts especially a really good book. I truly don't want this book to ever end, but everything must come to an end. That is how life goes. I have such an attachment to things that I never want what feels good to end.