Busy Woman/ What does consent mean to me?

 

I don't know what is going on, but I've been up to so many things. It was my birthday and I had 5 assignments due by midnight :( My family flew out to see me and I felt so bad because I was glued to my laptop but I got everything done on time and got a 100 on one of my finals. I was so happy to see my sister, niece, and nephew. They're getting big so fast that it makes me sad. They bought me some gifts from Pandora and a bunch of other things. It was so surreal to have them in my home in New Jersey and making them all some food. They want to come back for the summer and I think that's so cute. I would LOVE to have them but maybe I'd have to enroll them in a summer camp while I'm at work/school. And ACTUALLY, my student advisor referred me through written recommendation to a transfer program at Princeton. I honestly didn't know that Princeton was even in New Jersey. I have to wait until the beginning of April to see if I got accepted. I think that's so cool that they offer that at my college. I'd love to take classes at Princeton, so we'll see what they say about me transferring. It's an 8 week program where you stay on campus and receive a stipend. I already know my favorite place is going to be the library. I'm going to read like 5 books a week, I know they'll have good books there and interesting people to meet. 

I've been running around New Jersey for this past week with my family and then I needed some important paperwork to claim I'm disabled and I had to meet with different doctors for that. The thing with my mental health is that I don't want to take that crazy ass medicine. I am prescribed bupropion for my major depressive disorder, but the last time I took it, I called the crisis hotline and they took me to the hospital for suicide ideation. So I'm absolutely not taking that shit anymore, I don't want to hurt myself or possibly anyone else. I was on another depression med but it didn't work whatsoever. I feel like I should be on depression meds because I do have major depressive disorder and I'm constantly calling the suicide hotline, and I feel suicidal often but I don't want to keep switching up my meds and dosages. I just don't like that. I feel like I'm playing with my mind and I don't want to do that. The schizo meds... I'm definitely not taking that. I think I'm still hearing voices and seeing things, but I can manage and I've been managing all these years so. Now recently, I might have to take microdoses because I'm back to hearing things, I think. I was walking from the train and this man said, in passing, that I can sit on his face anyday. Now... he could've very well said that or I could be experiencing acute auditory hallucinations. And that's the thing with the schizophrenia, I never know for sure if someone really said that to me or if I'm imagining it. That's what makes harassment hard for me because am I imagining this or did that really happen? That's why I hate when people take advantage of me because since I'm mentally disabled, they automatically have an advantage over me and it's easy to manipulate me. I don't want to report it or talk to anybody because it's so easy to dismiss me as "crazy". It's so easy to say that about me. Like oh, she's just "crazy" and people believe it. 

I was thinking on the meaning of consent today and what rape really means and it made me sad. I just learned recently that coercion is rape... Meaning I just learned that I've been raped by multiple people my whole life and had no idea about it....... That makes me so sad that people take advantage of me because they know I can't properly defend myself. I don't want to put my hands on anybody because I don't want to hurt them or have them say that I'm "crazy" and I get in trouble for it. It's so sad that I don't feel comfortable defending myself against rapists and abusers. I'm going to work on this in therapy, so that I can properly defend myself and learn how to properly make reports when people abuse me. Learning that I am a victim of multiple rapes really broke my heart because how many times is this going to keep happening? Which is why I never allow myself to be alone with any man unless they're family. I refuse to let people drive me home, even my nieghbors, because I just can't even risk something happening to me. The last incident was a few months ago. I was alone with someone and he randomly just started touching me and making me so uncomfortable. I really don't like people touching me, unless I really know them, because it honestly hurts. It's a natural reaction (out of trauma, I'm guessing?) for it to hurt when people touch me because that means I'm not comfortable around them and they shouldn't be doing that. I kept saying "no" and "ouch" and he kept saying "Ok, well I'm a gentlemen. And I'm only going to do things with your consent." while literally touching me without my consent. It was horrible, to be honest. Thinking back on it makes me want to just cry and be a gay stud forever. Not to be sexist or anything, but I fucking hate men. So, he's basically fondling me and trying to make me feel "good" while I'm denying him and saying it literally doesn't feel good. And he coerces me to have sex with him which took about an hour (because I literally didn't want to) and when we had sex, it hurt me so so bad. Like extremely painful because he was much bigger than me. And then he ghosted me. And honestly, it happened some months ago but I still cry about it. It's so hard for me to accept that I'm a victim in that situation because I feel like it's my fault. But he did give me a drink (even though I said I don't drink), he gave me weed (even though I said I'm schizophrenic and can't smoke), and he did insert his penis in me (even though I tried my best to make it clear that I didn't want to). Trying my best to extend myself some grace here but I feel so bad about it. I just wish I was mentally able to defend myself and set boundaries. But considering I'm mentally disabled, that might always be something I struggle with since my illnesses are long-term and possibly life-long. But what I can do is to always protect myself, my space, and my privacy from predators. Just don't be alone with them at all because it's too easy to take advantage of me and they know that. 

So, I have this surprise for my boyfriend but I think he's going to hate it. The surprise is that we're going to volunteer at the homeless shelter. But I don't know if he's into that in the way that I am. Like if someone said they're going to surprise me and we end up volunteering somewhere, I would be so happy!! But I know not everyone likes volunteering and it can be hard work sometimes. I told him about the surprise and he asked me if I was taking him to the library as a surprise. I thought that was funny because I'd literally do that lol. I love the library in Bayonne. I'm not sure his experiences at the homeless shelter so I don't know if he'll be comfortable around them, but we'll see. 

I have to get a whole new team of doctors (therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist) because my current ones don't believe that I'm struggling. I'm not going to say I'm struggling as much as I was when I was in the psych ward or when I was released, but I still need help and they won't help me. When I first got out, I was 2 months behind on rent and I had only expired foods in the cabinet so I didn't eat for a week while I waited for a check to come in and my bank account was -$500. I was hungry as fuck!!!!!!!! I've truly never been so hungry in my life. I couldn't really talk to anyone because I was in remission and it was a danger for me to interact with others so I starved. But I'm doing so much better, as of today. I am a straight a, full time college student, with a full time job, a business, and my own apartment. But even though I have all of that, I still struggle badly and I still struggle with wanting to hurt myself. Me and my therapist got into an argument because he told me I was "complaining" when it was my brother's anniversary of his passing. Like bitch, you get a rape kit when you're 5 because your dad tried to fuck you (and he gets away with that sick ass shit) and then 13 years later he kills your brother (and also gets away with that too) and see how shit feels. It doesn't feel very nice and I be in so much pain. They always say to get help, but sometimes the help can go to fucking hell. "The help" takes advantage of people sometimes and puts a number on their head instead of looking at the individual. My therapist and psychiatrist didn't want to help me get a disability verification for affordable housing because "I'm doing so well that I don't qualify for disability". Like sir, I'm one more weird incident away from killing myself. The only reason that I work so hard is because I don't want to starve again or have nowhere to stay. But I'm struggling like hell and I need help. Affordable housing when dealing with any illness is a God send because, as of now, when I don't feel good... I still have to work and pay my bills on time. Which is unfair because I'm not mentally stable enough to be working as much as I do while attending school and it takes so much prayer and strength not to get committed for suicide ideation/attempts. But I can only be strong for soooo long until I break like last time. Thankfully, my PCP released me for the disability verification, but I will never forget that my mental health team didn't think I was sick enough to qualify for affordable housing. I've struggled with major depressive disorder for like 10 years and may possibly deal with it for the rest of my life. I cannot do everything on my own, I need assistance sometimes.