Feeling So Good Tonight

 

I’m so happy that I quit my job!! I’m having so much fun being at home without people getting on my nerves all the time. I went grocery shopping today in Hoboken. I live in Bayonne, but Hoboken has more money in their neighborhood so their grocery stores are better. I got the stuffed salmon (I was sad that the ingredients said imitation crab :( ) but it should be good. There’s two books that I want to order. I want to order All About Love and Mel B’s book about coercive abuse. I think she is so strong for being vulnerable and open about her experiences and I’m so proud of her. I bought so many groceries today. I’ve just been cleaning all day really. I got some new cleaning products, which I’m excited about, that I’m using on the house. Im washing everything today and throwing out everything. I always purge about once a week or every other week where I throw out things that I don’t need. I hate clutter and I try to be as minimalist as possible. I moved my plants around. I realize I have to move them around because they get so comfortable in one spot and sometimes the other leaves that don’t get enough sunlight start to wither, and that makes me so sad. I put one of my plants on top of my bird cage and I think it looks pretty like that. One of my plants had a near death experience when I opened the window in the winter time and it almost died. Her name is Mother Teresa. Before her near death experience, she was full, long, and happy. Now she’s not so full anymore and I want to propagate her so that she’s full again and happy. I’m really sad that I was a bad plant mommy and I almost killed my baby, Mother Teresa. Hopefully this propagation works though and she’s back to thriving. She’s a very easy plant to love and she responds well to my care. 

I’m thinking about getting a car because my world is getting bigger. The things that I’m interested in can’t really be reached by train or bus. I want to go to this monastery in New York but it’s really only accessible by car. It’s things like that that I need access to. I want to start getting my vegetables and meats from farms, and of course that’s not accessible by train/bus. I want to go to the spa more, etc. My world is getting so much bigger and I’m becoming more active and interested in different things. I want to try different things. I’m also becoming busier and busier. I thought quitting my job, I’d be less busy. Nope. The opposite. I’m more busy now and I have less time to play around like I used to. 

I’m a really bad girlfriend and I feel so bad for breaking up with my boyfriend and cussing him out when I wasn’t feeling well. He says he understands my mental illnesses and that when I’m triggered, I absolutely don’t want to be bothered and I don’t want to talk to anyone. That’s just how I am and I’ve always been like that. But being with my boyfriend, someone who loves me unconditionally, has really made me look at things so differently. I know that he will never leave me, I know that for a fact. But with me, if any inconvenience bothers me, I’m ready to run away and be alone. And that’s so not fair. And I realized that that behavior and ideology comes from the lack of love that I never received from my parents. At any inconvenience that I gave my parents, their first response was “I don’t want you anymore” “I don’t want to be your mom anymore” “You’re not good enough” “Nobody loves you” “You’re so worthless” and I hate that for me. Because now I look at others like that because that’s all I know. I’m so blessed to have him in my life, someone who I know will never deny me love and will always welcome me into their home and heart. It’s just so much I can learn from that and I wish that I had that type of love growing up. I have it with my siblings and uncles, but I needed that from my parents. So when he comes over, I’m going to write him a long letter and give him a spa day and be extra nice to him, because he’s so nice to me even when I’m not so nice. Even when I’m rude and cold, he is very nice and peaceful.