I have always struggled with being loved, including the constant struggle with loving myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate who I see. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wish I was someone else. I wish I had someone else's cadence, talents, grace, confidence, and self-assured guidance... Lately, that has changed for me. The switch that has turned on is focusing on myself. I did that many, many years ago in 2017 and my life was wonderful. I focused on myself with no distractions and I accomplished many things. This time around, I want to focus on myself for the rest of my life. Last time, I succumbed to my abusive ex and that was almost the death of me. Literally and figuratively. He almost killed me and almost drove me to suicide. To this day, whenever I think of him, I get a sense that he hated me. He must have hated me for the way that he treated me and talked to me. I wouldn't even talk to a dog the way that he talked to me. This time around, I am not looking for that abusive love that I endured. I am not looking for love at all. I am looking for love within myself. I think the biggest hurdle for me is my parents not wanting me and nobody understanding how detrimental that can be for a child. Me and my siblings were abused severely by my parents while many watched and said nothing. Many people even stood up for my parents saying things like "Oh, just forgive them" "They didn't mean it" "They were sick" "They're still your parents" I don't have words to say to those people. Having my first rape kit when I was five years old led me into a life of hypersexuality and turmoil. My self esteem was so low that anybody that looked my way gave me butterflies. I felt like I'd be lucky if anyone loved me. And that is a feeling that I still felt up until recently. I felt like nobody would be lucky to have me, I was such a burden in the world. A burden to be alive. As of today, I don't feel that way about myself. I am a survvior of many years of abuse and that has made me stronger. It has also mustered up so much gentleness and empathy in my soul which gives me a unique love that I have to offer to close friends and family. I no longer consider everyone my friend, because they're not. Most people can't wait to talk about me behind my back and gossip. They can't wait to make me look bad, even if that means lying to do it. I've learned that most people aren't my real friends. I've learned that most people aren't worthy to be in my life and that it's ok to feel that way and move accordingly. It is a very tough thing for me to endure because I love everyone genuinely and I hate to see people go. But I have to make room for my blessings. Holding on to things only hinders my life, so it's time for me to move on. I've learned to stop reaching out. I've learned to not answer the phone. I've learned to let people think what they want about me. I've learned many things. What I've learned from the abuse of my parents is that most people won't and will never understand until it's them. They'll forever be ignorant to it. They will always stand up for the wrongdoing because they. just. dont. get. it. It'll always be an excuse. As an advocate for child abuse, to me, there is never an excuse to beat a child senselessly. Molest a child. Spit in a child's face. Tell them to kill themselves. Tell them they're ugly. Tell them that you don't want to be their mother anymore. Drag them by their hair. Knock the hearing out of their ear. Touch their private parts. Beg to see them naked and get mad when they refuse. But of course, there's always someone demanding that "they're still your parents". This notion of "they're still your parents" has led me to believe that that was love. Someone hitting me was love because "they're still your parent". Someone ripping my clothes off and throwing them out the window was love because "they're still your parent". Someone telling me that they don't want to be my mother anymore because "they're still your parent". Well, what about the child in that scenario? Nobody ever thinks about them. Now that I'm older, I think about me as a child alot. The nights I cried myself to sleep because nobody cared. The nights that I cut and I cut and I cut because "they're still my parent" still makes me upset. Nobody understands and that propels me even more to move forward, focus on myself, and find people that do. This is the most healing I have ever done. This is the longest that I've been out of the psych ward in a long time. This is the longest that I haven't cut or attempted. I think this is the most I've loved myself and stood up for myself. I don't feel so numb anymore, I feel alive. I am human. Things are so different now and I feel the shift in myself and in my life. Reading Lucinda's book started something that I never knew I had.
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