My Dad Used to Secretly Watch Me Masterbate
I had totally forgot about this, but since Sidney's death, certain memories become triggered over the years.
One thing that I remember is my dad always trying to catch me masterbating. He would always slowly creep up on me when I was in my room alone, crack the door, and make sure I wasn't touching myself. Sometimes he'd wait a long time and watch me and I'd have to act like I didn't see him while I sat in uncomfortable silence. It started when I was around 8-9 years old. At that age, I used to play with my pubic hair because I was just starting to explore my body. In those moments when I was exploring myself, I thought I was alone. The whole time my dad was watching me through a crack in the door. I only found out because one day he confronted me and asked me "Do you ever play with your pubic hairs?" and I immediately said "No!" and I ran off. In my head, I was thinking "How did he know that....". It was because he was watching me during my private moments. So, since then, I never masterbated in his home ever again. I would catch him at times spying on me through the crack in the door, but I always made sure I was reading a book or doing my schoolwork. That is how I got so good at school, because I would read and write all day because that's all I could do. I didn't have any privacy. There were times that I caught him spying on me and he'd smile at me through the crack in the door so creepily. I am so glad that I'm away from that situation but it still makes me quite uncomfortable. It makes me want to cry for that girl because I felt so weird about it and nobody really advocated for me. Everybody was like "You don't have privacy as a child" "He's your dad" "He cares about you"... Meanwhile he was physically and sexually assaulting me and watching me touch myself through a cracked door. I felt like I was living in hell alot of days. So many times I felt like God had forgotten me...
One thing that I remember is my dad always trying to catch me masterbating. He would always slowly creep up on me when I was in my room alone, crack the door, and make sure I wasn't touching myself. Sometimes he'd wait a long time and watch me and I'd have to act like I didn't see him while I sat in uncomfortable silence. It started when I was around 8-9 years old. At that age, I used to play with my pubic hair because I was just starting to explore my body. In those moments when I was exploring myself, I thought I was alone. The whole time my dad was watching me through a crack in the door. I only found out because one day he confronted me and asked me "Do you ever play with your pubic hairs?" and I immediately said "No!" and I ran off. In my head, I was thinking "How did he know that....". It was because he was watching me during my private moments. So, since then, I never masterbated in his home ever again. I would catch him at times spying on me through the crack in the door, but I always made sure I was reading a book or doing my schoolwork. That is how I got so good at school, because I would read and write all day because that's all I could do. I didn't have any privacy. There were times that I caught him spying on me and he'd smile at me through the crack in the door so creepily. I am so glad that I'm away from that situation but it still makes me quite uncomfortable. It makes me want to cry for that girl because I felt so weird about it and nobody really advocated for me. Everybody was like "You don't have privacy as a child" "He's your dad" "He cares about you"... Meanwhile he was physically and sexually assaulting me and watching me touch myself through a cracked door. I felt like I was living in hell alot of days. So many times I felt like God had forgotten me...
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