Of course I'm Up Thinking....

I'm up right now at 4:50 am thinking about so much. I want to be so many great things in this life, but I feel like I'll never get there sometimes. I feel defeated before I even started trying. I remember reading the suicide note from my brother and he wanted to give up because he felt like a rabbit chasing a stick. That's how I can feel sometimes. I feel like I'm always chasing something that I'll never have. It makes me sad. Within one day, I can feel feelings of sadness, numbness, anger, deceit, disloyalty, mistreatment, abuse, happiness, anxiousness, worry, and abundance. One day for me is filled with so much wonder as I continue on this mental health journey. It is not easy to be diagnosed with 6 disabilities. There's so many days that I'm scared I will hurt myself because I can't help it. I can't help but feel like I'll never be a great wife. I can't help but feel I'll be worthy enough to have a good husband who is loyal to me. I can't help but think about everything my father got away with. Sometimes it doesn't bother me much, but sometimes it eats and eats at me until I'm no good. I'm definitely not as bad as I used to be, but the pain still won't easily subside. I used to have crying spells almost everyday, but they've subsided much. I am so nervous about the Columbia program. I want to be good enough for it. I want to be smart enough. Having my dad tell me that I'm the dumbest person he's ever met doesn't help me in these programs that I get accepted into. I feel like I'm not smart like everyone else. I feel like a fraud. I feel a rollercoaster of emotions.