Today Was a Better Day...

Surprisingly, today was actually a better day. I still struggle so much and lately I have been having so many thoughts of disgust and disdain towards alot of people that I used to surround and associate myself with. I love being by myself. When I am by myself, I do not have to worry about someone sharing their sick opinion about my life and how I should live it. I don't have to hear anyone's opinions on what they think I should be doing, where I should be going, their comparisons to me, none of that. It is just me and I am perfectly fine with that. I will never forget how people treated me when I lost my brother. I was considered a burden. A bother. I was no longer "the strong one" and people didn't have the capacity nor time (nor did they want to make the capacity nor time) to care about what I was going through emotionally. How I didn't want to live anymore. How I wasn't strong enough to fight on my own. People watched me struggle and offered no help. Just watched me from the sidelines while I struggled to find reasons to keep living and keep surviving. It is something that has changed me and changed the trajectory of my life. I wouldn't even say it changed me in a bad way, but I will never be the same. I do not need anyone in this life, but God. The only person(s) I needed were Sidney and my Grandma Sadie. They are not here anymore and I have learned through multiple stays in the psych ward and many failed suicide attempts that I must go on without them. They were all I had. The only people that made life worth living. The only people who truly considered how I felt and what I had been through. I like being alone because I don't have to worry about anyone hitting me, yelling at me, blaming me, accusing me, lying to me, making snide remarks, having rages of jealousy... None of that. It's just me and my peace. I am still healing much from all the ways people have abused and disappointed me. Close to 26 years of mistreatment has taken quite a toll on me but I am doing my best to never hold grudges, but to also not allow people to mistreat me. It is a hard thing considering abuse is all I have ever known since I got my first rape kit when I was 5 years old. People letting me down and making everything about them is all I have ever experienced in my life. But I do pray every day that I will be surrounded by people that love and care about me. People that think of me and listen when I talk. Right now, it sounds like a miracle to be surrounded by people that care because I have not had that. But I know that prayer changes things and I know that everybody isn't a bad person. Everybody isn't out to get me or hurt me despite all I have been through.