Me Day/Worried Sick

Oh my goodness, I was worried sick about my future today. I was so sad and depressed. I have so much anxiety and confusion for my future, in regards to everything. It's not even regular anxiety, it's so debilitating to the point of major suffering. I suffer so much internally because of the abuse of my past marriage. When I think I'm ok and everything's just fine, I have days like today that humble me so quick. I was actually telling my childhood friend, Ari, that I don't think I'll ever feel a romantic love again. To her and to everyone else, it sounds so ridiculous, right? What's stopping me from ever being sought out by someone special? Nothing is. It's all in my mind. But, it feels so real to me and it feels so sad to the point that I don't want to even leave the house. Alot of it stems from my ex husband telling me nobody loves me, but him. And I have to stop myself from believing that. I have to tell myself that's not true. I am so isolated and to myself that I can't fathom someone loving me again or liking me for who I am. It's a tough spot to be in and it's going to take alot of healing to get out of this space. Like I said, I have really good days. But the bad days... Feels like I progressed so far and now I have to start the healing all over again. I have so much fear and so much distance in me because of all the trauma. It's not just my past marriage, it's everything. My childhood, my parents, the loved ones I've lost, it's everything. I have to remind myself to take things day by day. Breath by breath. Just take it easy. But it's days like this where I have so many questions and so many worries in my mind. Will I ever find a responsible father for my children, if I'm blessed to that point? Will he be kind? Will he be smart? What if I get cheated on again? Scary, scary thoughts that I can't stop myself from thinking. I really think I should take a trip back home to Atlanta. Ease my mind of some things that are bothering me. Hang out with family. After the divorce, I've just been by myself. Mostly because during the divorce, the most money I had was $12 in my bank account. I was so hungry and some of my friends had to help me get some food because I was starving and hadn't eaten in days. I don't know why that makes me want to cry when I think about those moments. I was broke, scared, starved, and so broken. I should've been with family and friends, but my ex convinved me that nobody loved me but him. I just wanted to be alone. And most days, I still do. I just want to be alone. I feel so misunderstood and it's just easier when it's just me. Honestly. I usually start feeling better around this time, like around 8 or 9 pm. So, after a day filled with anxiety and worry and laying down, I decided to put on 'The Emancipation of Mimi' which made me feel better. I made some sauteed brussel sprouts with onions and garlic (my favorite). Now I feel a bit better and Mimi is making me smile.

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