Sadié Sidney

Forgiving my dad has been a rollercoster ride of emotions. At the end of every day, I love my dad. I will never stop loving my dad, I'm sorry to admit. I had my first rape kit when I was 5 years old due to a court case of molestation opened against my father. I was molested and sexually abused from ages 5-15. Unfortunately, the rape kit came back with complications and my testimony against my father wasn't strong enough to convict my dad of child molestation. I was sent back to live with my dad until I was 15 years old. I have permanent clitoral damage, nerve damage on my vaginal canal, and a hypersensitive private area due to all of the years of molestation. I am unable to bear a child due to the severity of the sexual abuse. I am a tormented soul, but I could never be mad at anyone despite the things they do and say to me. My dad hurt me. My dad disappointed me. I wanted to be a daddy's girl for life. I wanted to be enough for my dad. That was my dream. I wanted my dad t...

I felt so unloved in my marriage and I couldn't believe how my ex husband was treating me at the time. It has taken time to forgive him, his mother, and his family as I felt they all mistreated me to a certain aspect as the "American girl" in a Nigerian marriage. Reading this book by Faith Jenkins was so helpful and helped alot to dive deeper into my forgiveness. I wanted to make it clear to my ex husband that we are NOT friends. He was not a good friend to me during our marriage. I sheepishly have to admit that I absolutely was not ready to get married to my ex husband. There should've been an intervention in place before the marriage took place, but it's ok. Life happens. I was not prepared to find out less than two months into the marriage that my husband was engaging in sexual conversations with a minor. I was devastated. I am not bitter at my marriage, I am thankful for the experience. I am thankful for the learning experience. I am a grown woman now. I am n...

School is going so good, I predict that I will get all a's this semester. We had to watch 'Harriet' for class and it was my first time watching it actually. It makes me so emotional when I watch slavery movies. What my people have been through.. It brings tears to my eyes. I still am eyeing that doctorate in Africana studies. That is my absolute dream to get my PhD in Africana studies. I know I can do it, but obviously I have to get my Bachelor's first and then get into a good master's program. I wish I was doing more with my life sometimes and even I don't know what I mean by that. I don't know.. Sometimes just wish I was doing more things and achieving more things. But I am praying for content everyday. Content with my life condition. Content with where I am and what I am doing and where I am going. I put so much pressure on myself to be this perfect person. It's just not possible to be perfect. What I can do everyday is try. And that's more than e...

I love this song so much.. It does remind me of my previous marriage in some ways. Also, one of my longer, previous relationships. We had secrets. We had things that we didn't tell anybody else. Things that I would never tell anyone else ever. I want to get married again, in all vulnerability. Someone I can share my deepest, darkest secrets with. But I know I am not ready yet because I am really busy with my healing, school, and learning more about the word of God. I am not ready to get married again. I was even engaged after my divorce, but I ultimately had to call it off. I was engaged to the same person twice. I called it off twice because the way he would talk to me about my body. He would call me out about my weight and my eating habits, but I don't/didn't even have control over my weight because of my schizophrenic meds. I am vegan right now but it takes time for me to lose weight and I didn't need a man bullying me over my weight. It's hurtful, it's mean...

Just got done cleaning my girly at the pet store, she did such a grrat job! She's air drying right now, haopy girl. I also just got done cleaning with pine sol while playing Stormie Omartian through the house. What a day...❤

I need some ezekiel bread now, I've never tried it. This dish is with spinach, but I want some kale too. Maybe collard greens?

This year, I went to the psych ward for my birthday again. It sucks every time. I'd rather spend my birthday at home in my bed, but I was strapped down from the ankles to my wrists due to not complying to a welfare check. I know now to just open the door when the police come. I do not like the police. I do not trust the police. I never have since a little girl getting my first rape kit at 5 years old. They like to play games that I do not like to participate in. I did not really enjoy my birthday this year, but that's really ok. It is a blessing to be breathing and walking around. I was able to catch up on most of my school work already. I have one 4 page essay and a test due but I will try to get that done tomorrow (Monday at the latest). I am a little disappointed in myself, but they tried to tell me in the psych ward that it's ok to get help. I know it's ok to recieve help sometimes, but I just want my brother back. I want my grandma back. I want my dad back before h...

Yes, I am the most peaceful sister ever. This is the only person who deserves my peace on my birthday.