Oh Miss Tina

I read Ms.Tina's book and never felt so heard, loved, and seen. I can tell that she cares. I can tell that she gives her all to everyone around her, and I just admire that. I admire kind, genuine people so so much. In a world like this, it is an accomplishment to be kind. It is an accomplishment to care, especially when nobody else does. I read 'Matriarch' cover to cover and walked away as a different person. When nearing the end of the book and she discusses her divorce, I was in tears. After everything she's accomplished in her life, she still felt like she's not enough. After all the love and care she's given, she has just now taken the time out to care for herself. That is such a raw, emotional thing to admit. How selfless can you be to tell the world that you don't think you deserve to be treated the way you deserve. How vulnerable. It brought me to tears because I feel that way too.. Everyday. It is a struggle to look myself in the mirror and know that I am beautiful. I am enough. I am good enough. I love myself. There are some days I feel so low, so unloved, and so worthless. Actually, this year is the first time I've put myself first. I hate telling people 'no', but I've begun to do it this year. It's not because I want to, it's because I have to. It's because I need to. I was speaking to my spiritual guide and she told me "to focus on myself". I felt so overwhelmed with frustration, because how in the world do I do that? From a little girl, I had to take care of my dying mom and care for my father as he struggled with a heroine addiction. When I needed rest, when I needed a break, my dad would tell me how selfish and self-centered I am. "You only care about yourself, Nicole". At age 25, I realized... Sometimes that's not a bad thing. It's ok to think about yourself. It's ok to not answer your phone. It's ok. It doesn't make you a bad person. My dad would tell me I'm a bad person, and that led me to overcompensate. Am I giving enough gifts? Am I saying 'I love you' enough? Am I spending enough time? When I look back at my relationships, at times, I felt bad about putting myself first. Because sometimes putting yourself first makes you look like the bad one. It makes you look selfish. There were relationships and friendships I had to leave because it was affecting my fragile mental health. I just couldn't handle it. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe to them, but I can't survive life if I ignore how I feel. I won't make it to the next day. I've always been a super sensitive person since I was a little girl. Especially when boys would be mean to me. I'd look in the mirror and wonder when I'd be beautiful enough. I used to want to get plastic surgery soooo bad when I was a little girl. I wanted a nose reduction and a lip reduction and I was saving up my money to get it when I turned 18. I remember this boy Erin told me that "If my lips were smaller and my nose wasn't so big, I might actually be something one day". I remember when he said that and I remember how that felt. I didn't respond because I was so hurt. I just smiled and hid my tears. I wanted to be a model so bad when I was a little girl and everyday the boys at school reminded me how impossible that would be. They would say I had dick sucking lips and always make sexual jokes about my facial features and my body because I used to have a big butt when I was younger and wide hips. I hid my body, I wanted to hide my lips. I just wanted to be enough for one person and I didn't feel that I was. At 25, I am sooo glad I didn't get plastic surgery. I am beautiful. I am not perfect and that adds to it. When people would tell me I'm pretty, I wouldn't believe it. Ever. I would put my head down or I'd make a self-depricating joke because it was just so awkward... Now, I don't mind when people say I'm pretty, I say thank you with grace and always try to make sure they feel good about themselves too. I will never become full of myself, because I know where I come from. I know what I've been through. I know how I was treated less than, so it's just not possible for me to think I'm better than anybody. Doesn't matter the money, the clothes, the purses, the anything... I will always be sweet, little Nicole. Even though the boys never thought I was pretty, I was always sweet. Always. I couldn't help it, I am just naturally that way. And that's something I've taken with me. I do get a little feisty, but I'm human and I have to protect myself. This book was life-changing and I will take so many dear words with me. Everybody close to me knows I love words, I hold on to them. When I'm in my darkest moments, I go through all the letters that my friends have written me and I remember... I am sweet, little Nicole who can make it through the toughest of anything just like when I was a little girl. Sometimes the world and people make you lose sight oof who you are and what you bring to the table. I am so grateful for all the letters, the gifts, and the sentimental moments that I share with my friends. I really don't call my friends 'friends' at this stage. We are family. We are one. And this book made me grow and see things differently. Like I said, I am so sensitive that every little thing touches me. It touches me in different places. Some things touch my heart. Some things touch my soul. And some things touch my aura. This touched every part of me and I am so moved by this work. Unforgettable.