Baby Fever

Why in the HELL do I have baby fever? It's not so bad that I can't wait, but I'm over here looking up Wolof baby names. My pen pals from the Gambia taught me so much Wolof and I forgot everything! I started missing my penpals today and I whatsapp them and they responded in 5 seconds (literally). My heart is so full. I love them and her family loves me back. I need to visit them as soon as I can, it's been years. When I try to think back to my obsession with africa, it goes back to my childhood. When me and my brother were growing up, we were born on the northside. In Marietta. After my mom and dad seperated when I was 5, we moved to the southside. College Park, off of Virginia Ave. On the weekends, we'd go back to Marietta where we were born off of Canton Rd. We'd walk around the whole neighborhood and never really find any kids. One day we were walking around the neighborhood and these two boys were outside. The little one was born here, and the older one was born in Africa. I took a liking to the older one because he had a thick accent and he would always boss me around and say "come". And I'd come to him everytime. I don't think I had a crush on him, I was too young for that. I was in middle school, and he was in high school. Me and him spent so much time together alone, he was always gentle with me and I used to follow him everywhere. If I wasn't following him, he'd always say "come" so I was back in his vision. His skin was sooo beautiful, he was dark skinned. He was so nice and so honest. I really liked who he was and he left such an impact on me. That impact was so powerful that I can only imagine the father, husband, son who he is today and I feel so much love in my heart. Me and my brother couldn't play with other kids because they'd always try to have sex with us. That started even young as 6 years old. But they never tried anything with us and we always felt comfortable alone with them. They were raised right. No nonsense. Anyways. I don't think I'm ready to have kids and I haven't checked the status of the scarring in my uterus, but it's just a reoccuring thought. I want to be a good mom, I really do. And I want to be a good wife to a good husband. That was like my dream since a little girl. I want to wait though. Until I'm atleast 30. I need to get my BA, I've been playing games with that since I was 15. I've been attending college since I was 15 and don't even have an associates degree. I dropped out, changed my major 5+ times, and took so many breaks. Just ridiculous. I did work really hard with prerequisites and got accepted into a good nursing program, but ultimately decided against it. This whole time I've been paying for schooling with grants and I would've had to take out loans to finish nursing school. I can't remember exactly how much in loans it would've been, but upwards of 15,000-20,000. I would try to talk to people about it and they would always say that I could do it. They would say that when I'm a nurse, I could be a travel nurse and pay those loans back. Something in me was telling me to not move forward with it and I'm honestly so glad I didn't. I was too sick to even think about trying to finish nursing school and I would've been stuck with those loans. I am happy I became a doula. That profession is a profession where you have a little more control and you make good money without all the debt and stress. I went into medical retirement after I flipped my doula money in the stock market, but if I miss it, I can still go back as my license is still active and valid. I started off charging 200/birth and making 20/hour. I, now, charge 6000/birth and 50+/hour. I don't take clients anymore, but when I did sometimes I'd have three births a week. I'm not sure what in the world inspired this baby fever but I think when I got my hair braided and saw the little african kids running around. In my mind, I'm like I want a little african baby following me around. That would be filled with so much grace. If I don't have a baby by the time I'm like 40, I'm probably going to adopt one from Africa. I've been looking at getting dual citizenship for awhile, which I know is a prerequisite to adopting there. When I visit my penpals, I'm going to visit some orphanages and pray that I make it out of there without taking the whole orphanage with me. My spirit guide was telling me that I should make a list of the husband that I want. I don't damn know what I want. What does Nicole want? I'm always so worried about what other people want, I never ask myself what do I want. I definitely want someone from Africa. Someone who has the grace, honesty, and beauty of my childhood friend that took his time with me. The rest... I'm still not sure yet.