“Focus On Yourself” 😅

How the hell do people do this? I be wanting to tell my best friends, family, and close friends every little thing. Every little decision. I don't know where that stems from, probably from feeling like I'm not good enough or that I can't think for myself. I'm working on it so hard, but how do people do this everyday? How long do I have to "focus on myself"? Am I a damn fool? I have so many questions.. I just can't stop thinking about people, I want to share everything with everyone. I want to call my friends everyday, and I have to fight that urge. My ass has to get back into school, but it's going to take time for CUNY to review my transcripts and I may have to wait until the spring to enroll in my BA program. How am I supposed to survive on my own? I signed up for a sewing class, buddhist membership, and an important celebrity meet and greet. But I still think so deeply about everyone and I have to fight that urge to say that. I have to fight that urge of being on my phone. I start therapy today so that should help. I'm about to start signing up for every little thing. I'm about to start volunteering religiously at the Hoboken homeless shelter again. I have to keep myself extremely busy or else I'm calling my friends laughing on the phone for hours. Nothing's wrong with that, at all. But I just recently went into medical retirement this year and I get bored at home. School used to drive me so crazy but now I'm relaxing. How do I relax? How do I stop working? How do I stop thinking? I've been trying to go to museums alone and out to eat, but I stopped for awhile. Well, I'm about to start again and start doing my hair etc. Taking more pictures. I was even thinking of staying in a resort. I actually might go to the spa soon so that I can relax. I usually stay at the spa all day like 5+ hours swimming, reading under the uv light, and getting massages. I forgot the little vagina treatment that I get there. It's like a treatment that cleans out your vaginal canal. Last time I went I was in a relationship with my ex husband. By nature, because in their culture, it's important to be in a relationship/marriage. So she kept asking all the women about their relationships and every detail. Well, now I'm a divorcee and a single, mean ass grouch so I was even thinking about making up a man to tell her I'm in a relationship with. If you haven't been there and been pestered by the women there, you wouldn't understand why I say that. If you're single (even worse, divorced) they start asking "oh honey, steam pot make men go crazy" "why you single? beautiful girl""oh, find good man" It's honestly overwhelming. But I get it. It's unnatural, in their culture, to be single. But yeah... I'll tell them my dumb ass is divorced and if they pester me more I'll just say I'm saving myself for someone special. Easy and simple. But yes... *deep breath* I am focusing on myself. Finally. After everything. And I have to tell myself, as unnatural as it feels, that it's ok. It's ok to be single and not dating. I hate dating so much, especially because when I got married, I expected to settle down and never date again. I don't think I'm ready to date yet or meet people. Every time I try, I get so irritated. Every date I go on, they try to have sex. They ask me boring questions that I don't care to talk about. It just.. doesn't work. The last time I tried to date was more recently. I met someone and we were talking sometimes everyday. They said that they were busy but they wanted to see me. They said they would tell me on Sunday what days work best for us. Well Sunday came around and I didn't hear from him so I just blocked him. I used to not block people, but I have to. Because everytime someone stands me up or ghosts me, they come back later (sometimes even a year later) and says how sorry they are, how stupid they were etc. But, at that point, I dont care and I've already moved on. I used to not care about stuff like that, but your word is everything. Keep your word. That's the least you can do, especially with someone you don't know. I feel like a little girl again when my mom and grandma would say "NO boys, Nicole" and I would say "Omg, whyyyy??" And they wouldn't tell me why. They would just say "No boys, Nicole. Books." My mom literally used to lock me in the house and I'd sneak out and go see boys. As an adult, I see why they said that. Now, at 25, I tell myself everyday "No boys. School." "No boys. Books." "No boys. Self care." I guess that'll be my self care mantra. "No boys, Nicole" I want to boy a house in Alpine and they're expensive. I want to travel, I want to do so much. I want to do everything that I'm scared of achieving and I can't get there if I'm sucking dick. So yeah, no boys.