My Day in New York

... I just got back home from New York, just right now. I had to go see my spirit guide because I had an episode on Monday. I did write in my blog about it, but I took it down because it was really dark. On Monday, I went to a Survivors of Incest Anonymous group in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. As soon as the meeting started, I felt a terribly dark, sad energy. It was very heavy and it almost brought me to tears. I don't usually feel like that when I attend groups, and I didn't want to just up and leave. So I stayed. I listened to everyone's story, and I shared my story. Immediately when I left the group, I felt a panic. An enormous amount of anxiety. I could barely get home without having a meltdown. When I did get home, I felt such a downheartedness within myself. I wanted to die. I was thinking of ways to end it all. Maybe a concoction of the rest of my antidepressants with my sleeping pills? Maybe binge my sleeping pills with my antipsychotics? I was even on the verge of writing a note. I was so angry and I didn't even want to tell anyone what I was going through that night. I don't know what got me through that night until tomorrow. It was so bad that I was even thinking of committing myself into the hospital. I felt stuck between those two options: kill myself or go to the psych ward. I was weighing my options for hours on hours. I didn't want to go to the psych ward because they always make me stay a week (due to me having 'good' insurance). Even when I'm presenting better and I'm not symptomatic, they make me stay a week. I don't know.. This time it felt different. I felt like they wouldn't let me out so easy this time. I've heard of people staying in asylums for months. The asylum has complete control of when you stay and when you leave, because once you're committed you're considered a ward of the state. You have to fight, go to court, etc to get out. I had a bad feeling that if I went, I would have to stay more than a week. I was worried about my girl. My cat. Who's going to take care of her like me? Who's going to feed her and play with her while I'm gone? I can't leave my baby. She's all I have. So that kept me all night. My Ore Ofe. I've been a bit better but it's been really hard. When I wasn't feeling well, I stopped eating. I lost 10 pounds quickly and I still feel a bit weak (internally and externally). I just feel... weird. I've been sleeping until 2 pm everyday because I'm not strong enough to really get up and move around. I was doing so good until that meeting. So I have to start building myself back up. It's just frustrating because I want to be 100% all the time, but it's just really not that easy or possible considering the circumstances. But I've been taking it easy and I decided to go to New York to talk to my spiritual guide. We talked and we meditated together. That made me feel better. Then I decided to go to Lagos TSQ. At first, my night was ok. I sat at the bar. I actually don't think I ever sat at the bar before at any restaurant. My bartender's name was Jeremy and I liked him. He kept checking in on me and was just very cool. Then this lady, who I'm guessing is the manager, started talking to him any type of way. Being really aggresive and it was honestly a bit much. I just want to eat my food and drink my zobo. I don't want to hear the bartender being verbally abused.... That's just too much when you're trying to have a good night. Well... I didn't see Jeremy anymore and I got a bit worried. They delivered my meals and my hungry self ordered lobster mac and cheese, jollof rice with chicken and fish, and 8 piece lemon pepper wings. I was eating my food and I was looking everywhere for him and I couldn't find him. This man was helping someone next to me and I asked him where Jeremy was. He gone say, "I'm Jeremy for the night." In my mind, I'm thinking 'I don't want you, I want Jeremy.' The whole experience was so off putting because the 'new Jeremy' and the manager lady kept talking shit about Jeremy while he was gone. It was very obvious to me. I don't know if he got fired, but the way they were speaking on him, it seemed as if so. I hated the way they talked about Jeremy. It was just so mean spirited and unkind. I probably won't ever return there. They were so engrossed in talking shit that they weren't even paying attention to the customers. I needed some to go boxes and I waited for that man to come back but he wouldn't even look in my direction. I decided to just leave. I decided I didn't want their food in my home anyways. Really bad energy. I was also excited because the whole time I was there nobody bothered me or tried to flirt with me. I don't mind being flirted with, but people are so aggressive in New York. I just prefer not to really be bothered, at this stage and at this time. But when I left, the bodyguard wanted to talk to me so we were talking for a bit. Then this fine ass man. So so so attractive started talking to me and flirting with me, but he had a damn DATE with another WOMAN. I was polite because I'm just a polite person by nature, but I'm like ?????? You're literally with another woman, what are you thinking? His date didn't even care, so maybe he does it often idk. Who knows, people do all kinds of things. But he wanted the conversation to keep going and I just ran away. I don't even know what his fine ass saw in me. I was dressed like a fool. Sometimes I wear sexy clothes that show my shape, but sometimes I cover up. It just depends on how I feel that day. Today I wore a t shirt, jeans, and tennis shoes. Nigga leave me alone. I'll fuck you, suck you, and ruin your life. Have a blessed day and get your ass on. So yeah, I went home and took a little walk by the water. I was a bit tired so I didn't stay by the water that long. I just wanted to see it before my night ended. Then I came home to this girly girl cat. She missed me so much and I missed her too. She's currently running around the house and tormenting me with her meows and cuddles. My girl.