Relationships

When I think about my relationships, the only relationship that sticks out to me is the longest relationship I had in Atlanta. All the other relationships don't really stand out to me because they didn't really last long, I was going through too much trauma at the time to be present. I also remember I had a FWB in Atlanta that I remember who was like 5+ years older than me who worked in the film industry. I think, at that time, he was producing on the Housewives of Atlanta. I look back at my FWB in curiosity. We would have sex, I'd spend the night, and I'd go on about my business. We didn't even speak to each other before we had sex, we would just start making out. And it was like that from the first time we laid eyes on each other. Sometimes he'd call me in between work and we'd laugh so hard on the phone and then wouldn't speak for x amount of time. And it was ok.. I didn't mind. I think it was ok because I just got out of a relationship that meant the world to me. I wanted space. I wanted to be touched, but not held. When I moved to New York, he would call me sometimes. One time he confessed his heart to me and I literally burst out laughing. I didn't believe him. And even if I did, now what? I'm In New York, living out my suitcase with no stable housing, chasing a dream that keeps running away from me. I unfollowed everyone on instagram (including him) and he was not happy. I don't think he spoke to me after that. I will never know if he truly meant what he said, but something's telling me he didn't. I'll never know for sure though and that's fine with me. I used to think I was ready for dating and then I remember how emotionally expensive that 3 year long relationship was in Atlanta. It was... alot. Alot of feelings. Alot of work. Alot of everything. Despite how hard the work was, it was so rewarding to have someone that actually knew me. Nobody knows me and I can stand by that. Nobody knows what goes on in my head, my life, my heart, but he does. He knows all my secrets and I know his. We had our own secrets, our own world, our own fantasies. I forgot how intense it was until after my divorce was finalized. I realized how close me and my spouse weren't. The closeness I had with my ex is a closeness and bond that is built over many years. Through experience. And I'm not ready for that again. I thought I was after my divorce and Kevin (someone I was dating) started planning an engagement. He worked in Maritime and was saving up money for a ring and for us to live in a condo. He wanted a family. At first, I was ok with it. Until I wasn't. He wanted me to forget about my ex spouse and move on with him. My sister told me I wasn't ready because I didn't even want to meet his family. I don't know why I didn't want to meet his family. I don't know, I just wasn't interested in meeting his family. Then he started getting on my nerves and I just randomly called everything off. I look back now and realize that was a big decision that I made, I said no. Like a big girl. Me saying no is so rare, I don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone. That was a life-changing choice that I made and I'm just now feeling the relief today. I would've hated if I went through with everything. I don' know how people jump from relationship to relationship, it's traumatizing. People are fucking crazy, everybody. Especially me. I'm certified crazy. People come with their own history, own experiences, own trauma, own childhoods.. That's alot to deal with. Even a healthy relationship is so much work, so much patience. I am not ready to deal with that. I don't even want to barely text people back. I just now started going back to eating out at expensive restaurants and sometimes I run the bill up to $500-$1000 depending on what I order. I don't want to fucking hear someone say they can't pay or complain about this or that. I don't want to hear someone say they're horny, go to fucking hell. Dating is so hard for me because I be so disinterested. I just want to be by myself and read my books. I really started dating (around 2021) because people would always pester me about being single. They would get on my nerves about it until I finally said fine. I forgot about that relationship in Atlanta. How terrible and long the breakup was. The breakup was so much that it motivated me to save my money and move to New York. I didn't want anything to remind me of him. I didn't hate him, I never could. It was just so deep. When we broke up, I died 1,000 times. I was the color Black. It was such a dark time for me. My divorce was hard, but that breakup was harder than my divorce. Which shows how intense things were. I was so young that it left a lasting dent/impression on my spirit. Looking back at that relationship, I see how much work we put in and I don't want to put in that work with anyone right now. I want to be left alone... I want to go on my expensive dinners, buy my purses, not answer my phone, and I don't want to hear shit about it.