Sensitive Nicole

One thing I used to hate hate hate about myself was that I was so sensitive. I just couldn't help it. Every little thing made me feel so strongly. I hate to defend myself, I'm scared what will happen next. That can be verbally, emotionally, physically.. I just don't want to do it. It's so strange that when I FINALLY do defend myself, people leave my crazy ass alone. But I hate to be pushed to that point. I wouldn't want to make someone feel the way that I felt when I was a little girl living with a drunkard, heroine addicted father who used to make her do sexual things at night. I'm just too sensitive. So many bad things have happened, I don't want anything else to happen to me. As I get older, I have learned that sometimes silence is your best defense. Not in every situation ofcourse, but silence is powerful. When I feel shame for my sensitivity and lack of natural defense, I feel better knowing that I don't have to say anything back. I don't have to respond to mean people and that gives me power, in my own way. Usually when people say hurtful and demeaning things to me, I let it happen. And it's weird because they always come back and apologize. And they get the same treatment-I don't respond. Sometimes the amount of people that come back and apologize can get overwhelming, especially because I had a phase where I would welcome anybody into my life. I'd talk to anybody. I'd be anybody's friend. Now that that phase is over, I am selective of who I call a friend. Selective of who can come to my home. Selective of who I talk to. No offense, but there are some dangerous, hurting people out there.. As I get older, I see that. Everybody cannot be trusted. BUT when I do find somebody I can trust, I am so overjoyed with gratitude! I feel like the first time I listened to 'Ribbon in the Sky' by Stevie Wonder. I feel like the lyrics 'Oh, so long befor this night I prayed, That a star would guide you my way, To share with me this special day' and I feel like that just from going out to eat with my friends or having a girls night at my apartment. I don't know if it means I need to get out more, but probably so. Every moment with the people I love feels so special... so true. So important. And I am overwhelmed when I meet people that feel that too. Because that's exactly what I pray for. When my prayers are answered, I get so emotional. Knowing that God, my greatest friend, is watching over me. I get so dazzled and teary eyed. I adore and cherish delicate people when we hangout because if you're still here.. That means you're strong. Because life can get so crazy, insensitive, hurting, mean, unkind, and scary. But you're still here... in this moment...with me. Oh how special this moment is.... What a joy it is to be cherished. Maybe being sensitive is a good thing? Because I feel. And I feel deeply. And with everything in my body. Every single day. When I think about someone (because I'm always thinking about someone I care for), I think about them deeply. And then they call me or text me, and I get soo happy! When I think about someone and they say they think about me too, I get so surprised. It just means so much to be thought about, to be liked, or to be received. And I think about my siblings and all of our memories and they're so unique.. I will never have those moments again. I will never feel that exact way again, or smell that exact smell, or have that taste in my mouth. I can try to replicate the moment, but it's impossible. Sometimes that makes me really sad. I miss my late brothers who I've lost. Especially my favorite. Sidney. I am so blessed to have so many silly, goofy moments with my favorite person. I get sad because I wish I could see him again, but it's ok. It's ok because now I have the power to make lasting moments with other people. Moments that signify grace, comfort, and unity. I will never love anyone more than my brother, but I do love very deeply and very strongly and very hard. I would try to love everybody, but I am more careful about who I love. I am careful about my time and where I spend it. Every moment, every second.. It counts. Another thing I hated about my sensitivity is that whenever I would stand up for myself, people would always laugh or make fun of me. I think that's why I just resorted to grace and forgiveness. Absolutely no reason to make a fool of myself. I'm going to be honest and say that I forget about people. And there's some people I never want to think about again in my whole entire life. But when I do meet someone who takes my tears and anger serious, oh how unreal that is. Especially when it's genuine. Or when I meet people who no matter how mad they are, they never disrespect me. I've had people say some really fucked up things when they were angry. So it's probably sad to say but it's a joyous moment in knowing people that care. I just don't get that opportunity to meet people that care. It just doesn't happen. But when I do, I don't want the day to end. I don't want the moment to go. I just wish that feeling of being cared for could last forever and never leave me. No matter how much time or distance has been brought between me and those special people, I will never forget the people that cared and genuinely meant it. I wish I could give them eternal dignity, hope, and graciousness.