Shy

I don't know why I'm so shy when I have sex with people. I just feel like I look so stupid and I be having so many questions and so much anxiety. Is my eyelash crooked? Am I making dumb noises? Do I look like a fool while sucking dick? Ugh it's too much. I don't know where this comes from because when I was young in Atlanta, I was doing all types of crazy things. There's literally recordings of me doing crazy things. The only person that made me have an orgasm was my ex of three years. But it took like 2 years and so much patience and exploration. It was not that easy. I don't know how women just have an orgasm, especially off of penetration. How is that possible? I have so much internal scarring in my uterus, that I really don't think I can have one. I know they offer surgeries for internal scarring in the uterus, but I really don't want to do that.. I just don't want to. I mean, it could be life-changing though and maybe give me some relief. I could have orgasms and possibly have children as a result of the surgery. But I don't know... I just don't want to do it. Whenever I tell a partner that I've never had an orgasm with them, they get so angry with me. They don't believe me or maybe they're just in denial, I have no idea but they get mad as hell. I kind of get it because if someone said that to me after having sex for like x amount of time, how would I feel about that? I would be so hurt and confused. It makes it even worse because it's not that it doesn't feel good or I don't like it, I genuinely have a health issue. Because people always cuss me out when I say the truth, I've learned to be quiet about what I want or what I like. I decided I'm not going to do that anymore, but I've been cussed out so many times, I'm damn near scared. I've had sexual partners tell me they're not interested in foreplay, not interested in this, not interested in that. It's so hard being found by people who are willing to please me, like damn near impossible. I also play a part in that because I'm so shy and don't want to say what I want. My friends say exactly what they want, how they want it, when they want it, and don't take anything less. When I had a dead bedroom in my marriage, one of my best friends was telling me to fuck someone else. I feel like she knew my ex husband was cheating on me, but I was so in denial about it. I wouldn't believe it until I had tangible evidence. She was telling me to do whatever I want, since he was. I just... couldn't. I couldn't do it. I had to stop telling my friends what was going on at home because it is so embarrassing to have a dead bedroom as a newlywed. Now that I write this, I feel like that's where alot of my anxiety comes from. That dead ass fucking bedroom in my marriage. It's so painful to be newly married to someone who doesn't even want to touch you. Unbearably painful. I don't want to say my friends were wrong or right about how I should've handled it, I have mixed emotions. But after that experience, I feel for men and women who have a dead bedroom. Especially when you're the one trying to initiate things and they're always tired, always this, always that. It's just... sad. As hell. I felt like I wasn't attractive. When people would flirt with me and call me sexy, I wouldn't even believe it. Then to find out your spouse is cheating on you the whole time... I felt like an ugly monster. It's a day to day to know I am beautiful. Know I am loved. Know I am worthy. Me and my therapist were talking on Thursday and she said it's time for me to start anew. Even my spiritual guide said that today. She said that I'm becoming a new person. I love my spiritual guide so much, I've known her for awhile. She was saying that I'll have two kids. I mean, time will tell. She doesn't want me to date right now because I'm in a vulnerable place. It wouldn't even matter if I wanted to date or not, I barely meet people. When I do meet people, they always want to have sex. Every time. Or they do something that annoys me. It's just not a good time for me to be dating, I want to buy a home with butterfly stairs. But I want a condo in Manhattan first. I want to visit my modeling agency in London. Everybody wants me to model again, but it's just not that easy. Truly. There's so much I want and need to do, I don't want to be distracted. I've always had distractions in my life. This is the first time I've really had time to myself. So I'm trying to take advantage of it and enjoy it as much as I can.