I love this book so much, and like all the other books I've read throughout my life, I just wish it would never end. It also has made me face myself and everything that I need to improve to be a better sister, friend, and just overall person. One thing that I've always struggled with is low self esteem. I don't think I deserve to be happy. I don't think I deserve nice things. I don't think I deserve nice people who genuinely care for me in my life. It is so so hard for me to get out of that space and out of that mentality. It's just not easy. I have had people say and do really messed up things to me that have not just impacted the way I view myself but the way I view the world and my place in it. So, I'm grateful for this book and books like this that remind me that those notions are not true. So far from true. I know I'm getting better because I started cooking again. Cooking is actually something that I was pretty good at before I got very sick. I loved cooking vegan food for my friends and family, even my mom looked forward to my cooking. When I entered my marriage, my ex husband was never happy with my cooking among everything else about me. It was never good enough. I even found messages in my ex husband's phone between him and my MIL with pictures of the food I prepared for him with a caption "What the fuck is this shit". To this day, that is something that really crushed my spirit. When I got sick, I had to learn everything again. Showering, cooking, eating, etc because I was extremely sick and hospitalized. I was doing everything I could to make my husband happy, while also neglecting myself and my finances. I would be a liar if I said the disdain and disgust my ex husband held for me didn't break my spirit. It did.... So bad. It's just like all my efforts that were made in my marriage were ignored, ridiculed, and taken for granted. There was a point that I was numb to the yelling, lying, cheating, and hitting. Even points where I was content with this being the story for the rest of my life. It makes me emotional thinking about everything I used to take just to make this one person happy and they could've gave a damn about my ass while I was enduring it. I'm happy and grateful that the story has changed... The narrative is different. I left. A very hard decision to file for divorce before the age of 25 and follow through with it. Now that a new chapter in my life has opened, I'm happy to be cooking in my kitchen again without someone yelling over my shoulder at me about their food. Just yelling at me like a damn fool *eye roll* Today I'm making pot roast. I've been meaning to make pot roast for awhile, but I planned to cook it on low for 8-10 hours and I didn't have the time to go to the store and get all the ingredients fresh. Every time I cook, I try to get the ingredients the same day because the quality of groceries have gone down (in my opinion). Food doesn't hold the same way it used to when I first moved out 8 years ago. So when I do cook, I try to get everything the same day. I can honestly tell the difference in the taste when I don't cook things immediately after buying.
Comments
Post a Comment