Last night was such a rough night.. I called 988 four times. I don't remember speaking on my trip to Atlanta because it was so traumatizing. My uncle slut shamed me for taking naked pictures and said he wanted to slap me. My mom told me that she doesn't want to be my mom anymore. Hurt is not the word. Broken is not the word. I don't have the words or the vocabulary or the intellectual property to truly express the hurt my family has put on me since I was born. I feel beyond scarred, I feel scorned. Forever the forgotten child. Forever the problem child. I envy the people that say "family is everything". In reality, I want to tell those people to go to hell. You don't know MY family. You don't know how many nights I had to act like I was sleeping under my covers while my dad snuck into my room at night. You don't know how it feels to have your mom say that you're ugly and nobody wants you. You have no idea the pain that abused children walk around with. You're blessed to never feel that pain. You're blessed to not have a father that's attracted to you and sexually abuses you to the point that you're so scarred you can't have children. You're blessed to not have a mother who is jealous of you and punches you in your face for being beautiful. The things that survivors have to go through... are the contents of my worst nightmares. Healing the wounds of your parents has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to experience. The ebb and flow of anger, grief, sadness, despair, desperation, relief, and pain take such a toll on the spirit. It changes who you are inside and how you percieve your inside and outside world. Some days it's so hard to love myself as I feel so unloveable (don't know if that's a word, but don't care at this point). I remember when me and my family went to Red Top Mountain beach. I loved that beach as a little girl.. I remember when I wanted to go to the water with the big kids and I remember that the water was too high for me. I didn't fight, I didn't scream, I didn't panic.. I let the water overtake me... I didn't even realize I was drowning until my sister pulled me out the water. I feel like I'm drowning every day of my life. I remember that feeling of "This is it for me" and accepting that feeling. Last night I was drowning.. bad. I couldn't hold my head over water and I could feel the pain overtaking me. That feeling of drowning creeps up into my mind every day and it's a struggle to fight it off. Why didn't my parents love us? Why did Sidney have to go and leave me in this cruel world to fend for myself? I feel like that little girl who hid under her covers while her dad watched her to make sure she was sleeping. I try to tell myself it won't always feel like this, but it's hard to imagine a life worth living after everything that I've been through.
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