"You're mine" "I won't let you go" were the last phrases I heard from my ex when I tried to break up with him. Not only was I seen as a person without my own decisions and my own autonomy... I wasn't allowed to leave my financially, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically abusive ex. I was not allowed to stand up for myself. This topic gets easier as I write more about it, but I remember when this first happened I felt sick to my stomach. I would hyperventilate.. I would cry with snot running down my nose. The abuse started financially. He would demand money from me and I'd sadly oblige. That's one of the most embarrassing parts of this whole situation. I was working up to 3 jobs in Atlanta, sometimes working 70+ hours a week. While my ex drove around and smoked weed all day. He used my money to fund his lifestyle while I worked my ass off and even then.. I still wasn't enough. I still wasn't doing enough for him. One day I had enough and told him that I couldn't give him $20 and he strangled me until I couldn't breathe. He'd threaten me with violence all the time but that was the first time I felt like something was awfully wrong. Even my friends and family were worried about me. I was withdrawn and working all the time. They'd never hear or see me. I was busy being abused, lied to, hurt, and cheated on. I finally found the courage to break up with him and he lost it. I didn't care at that point, I wanted to fund my modeling career on my own and get out of Atlanta. He'd randomly write letters and deliver them to my house at 3 am, he'd call my jobs, he'd come into my house and punch holes in the wall... After months of this, I made the mistake of trusting him again when he asked if he could come over and use my wifi. I thought it was an innocent request until he found out that I was with someone else. The evening ended with him grabbing me by my hair and trying to boil my face in water. That is a day I will never forget. A day that changed the trajectory of my life. One of my coworkers at Mary Macs gave me the book that I have attached above. It made me cry and see that maybe I'm a victim too? Maybe I'm not stupid? Maybe I tried my best to protect myself? Maybe someone will love me one day? Maybe everything wasn't my fault? My ex was about 5+ years older than me. The age gap was not appropriate my eyes, nor was the abuse that I endured. It was rough, because my own family didn't want to be bothered with me. So, I felt like he was someone I could trust. Someone that wanted me. It still hurts to look back and see the pain that was caused. So hard to think about. Christy Sims is my hero and I'll never forget about her or her special place in my heart. I didn't even know I was an abuse victim, I thought I was everything my ex told me I was. A liar, a cheater, a hoe, a bitch...
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