Child Martyr

One thing I struggle so badly with is giving too much and that definitely started in my childhood. My dad would always yell and spank me for being selfish. It was like I was never giving him enough even when I was willing to give my life for my dad to love me and see me as his precious daughter. I'd give anything for my dad to say I was beautiful. But I never heard it. He never told me I was beautiful as I waited for him. I wanted him to desperately stop smoking cigarettes and heroin, because it would make him so angry. It was scary for a child to see him being so loving and warm one day, then another day he would turn into someone unrecognizable. A monster. A true monster. I remember one Christmas, I accumulated $100 in gifts. He got so angry at me for wanting to save my little $100 and made me spend my Christmas money on him. When he received the gifts from me, he said "What the fuck is this shit?" and laughed in my face. The gifts were all I could afford and it felt so bad that they were my last and they still weren't enough. I can definitely see that specific moment replay in ALL of my relationships. It's never enough. But when I want to leave, there's always a hold up. Just like with my dad.. He never wanted to let me go. Along with my exes, I still get numerous messages from majority of my exes on how they miss me, how great I was, etc.. The same pattern that I desire to break. I'm never enough until I'm gone.. Like a martyr. I feel like I was a child martyr as I was forced to take care of my parents while they physically, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually abused me. I was always told that "they're still your parents". It was exhausting as a child and I honestly wanted to die majority of my childhood, especially my teenage years. There was always *something* wrong with me in the eyes of who I was surrounded by. Too fast, too bitchy, too quiet, too weird, too this, too that.. People always question why I like being by myself.. Because I don't have to worry about anything when it's just me. Nobody's hurting me, nobody's trying to put their harmful opinions and ideas in my mind.. It's just me and my peace, after a lifetime of turmoil, grief, and loss. It was especially hard watching the dynamics of my twin brother, Sidney, and my dad. My brother did everything to make my dad proud which ultimately led to his demise of a bullet wound to his head. It makes me wince of all the memories of my dad being so cruel to Sidney. I don't think I ever updated this blog on how it went with the spiritual healer, but it went really well. She understood that I need to say "no" more and give more to myself. Something that I struggle with so deeply. I think it originates from telling my dad "no" and he would choke me. Or when I would tell my mom "no" or "not right now" and she'd slap the glasses off my face or drag me throughout the house by my hair when I was 6 years old. The memories have made an imprint on my psyche and I just naturally feel so bad for saying "no". To make it worse, I attract people who never heard of the word "no". And they don't take the notion lightly. It's a difficult notion to navigate through. But seeing the healer helped alot, so much actually. I do have a future and it's bigger than being a relationship martyr. It's bigger than being taken advantage of, gaslit, and manipulated. I have to constantly tell myself it's so ok to say *no*. It's so juvenile, but I be feeling like such a bad person for saying it. Years of abuse does that to you. Or years of abusers telling you "Everything's not about you" when you try to advocate for yourself. I liked the spiritual healer and she told me she could see us working together much more, which I don't mind at all. She picked up on alot of things that I didn't have to mention.