Bible Study Tuesdays and Wednesdays

I was writing on Sunday how I found this Pentecostal church by me and I am so grateful for its finding. There will be bible study on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and I plan to attend them every week. I'm not sure if I'm depressed, I don't quite fully know. I just want to stay at home and be in the bed. (I guess I am depressed then) Most days I feel so unwell and so unloved with no motivation. It's been 10 days since I gave my life over to Jesus and I'm grateful for it, but it's not easy. I have my doubts even though I try my best to pray them away. I have my worries and I have my many shortcomings. I try not to wish too much, but I wish I wasn't so mentally unwell. I wish I could enjoy life the way that others get to enjoy their life without worrying about wanting to die all the time. I wish I had a family that loved me and accepted me for who I am. I wish I was loved in general. It could all be in my head, probably is, but I feel so unloved and so unliked. I feel like nobody wants me or likes me and that drives the suicidal thoughts. The fact that I've been abused and raped just supports that notion even more. It's just not easy. It's so hard to want to wake up in the morning and see another day. It gets difficult when you're doing everything on your own with no real support or love behind you. I see people who can just walk into their family's home and relax. I wish I had that... But like I said, I try not to wish too too much, if I can. But it gets hard when you've lost the ones who supported you the most, actually the ones who ever supported you at all. My grandma and my twin were my support systems and the fact that I lost them a couple of months away from each other.. eats at my spirit. People tell me to "be strong", but people don't know what it takes to be strong. Nobody can be strong forever, people need breaks to rest and replenish their energy. We're all human. Because I feel so down all the time, it really fueled me to give my life away. At times, I feel like I have nothing or nobody to live for. Nobody cares anyway, so why should I? Why should I try? Yeah, it gets so dark sometimes... But it's only been 10 days and I expect this journey to help me grow in spirit and help me become a pillar of peace and tranquility. I know the suffering never truly ends and the pain is stationary, but God gives something to look forward to. Something to hang on to.