Much Anxiety

Me and my doctor decided that I won't be going overseas due to the risk of my fragile mental health. At first, I was really sad and disappointed because all of the work I put into this and now I am not going. Despite this fact, I am actually very happy now. I feel like 6 months away from home would've triggered some schizophrenic features and that would've been really scary for me in a new country. I am still learning to be grateful where I am, with what I have, and to take things easy. I am not quite sure what in the world I am in a rush for. I am always rushing. I am always looking forward to tomorrow. I am always so anxious. It's honestly exhausting. Today I pray for the healing of the chains of my anxiety, restlessness, and uneasiness. It's hard for me to even sleep because I am so restless. It's too much for me sometimes. I've also had alot of anxiety while I'm in the kitchen or when I'm cooking because of when my ex tried to boil my face in water. That day was one of the worst days of my life and I kept it a secret to protect him. I will never forget my ex grabbing my hair and holding my face above boiling water. I do believe he was a cruel person who loved to see me suffer. And some days the going really gets tough due to what happened to me. I want to give up, give in, and throw in the towel. But then I think of 18 year old Nicole... fighting back her ex from boiling her face in the water. I survived. Just like everything else in my life. I survived. He told me that I'd never be anything in my life but someone who sucks dick. And I felt terrible and I was beyond hurt. I was devastated. Although, less than 6 months later, I signed my first official modeling contract and worked for some big companies. I accomplished so much and even went back to school when everyone said I wouldn't and couldn't. I'm an upper junior finishing my bachelors and will be completed some time in 2027 (God willing). Some things that have happened to me are so embrassing, so humiliating, and just so wrong. But I have to keep going. I must. This semester I am only doing part time because I missed the window to sign up for most of my classes. I will try to see if they have any more classes available, but they are mostly taken. I am so happy to be in school even though it gets on my nerves.