So anxious to go...

I'm saddened that I haven't really been posting in my blog. I think ever since I've been notified that I am leaving the country to study abroad, I have been very anxious. Praying constantly, crying out to God, seeking his face, and begging for his mercy. I am scared. I remember when I moved to NJ, I was anxious and didn't want to go in the end. Although, in the end, I was able to go and set myself free. I have created a life of abundance in New Jersey, it hasn't been easy at all though. Nothing is.. Nobody has it easy. I realized today that my problem is that I'm bored. I was reading about it online in a schizophrenia forum, as I do have an official diagnosis of anhedonia too. Sometimes because I'm bored, I will make bad decisions and mistakes and then deeply regret them. I will put myself around people or in situations that I know I shouldn't be in. I can see this happening in my life many times and I am definitely trying to break that pattern. What really helped me when I was going through that was actually writing here in this blog. Writing is my first love, but my mental illnesses like to get in the way all the time. They trick me, they lie to me, they tell me horrible things.. I hate being mentally ill, but I am grateful for life. So, to combat this boredom, I'm going to try and write everyday to help me feel better. I am so anxious right now, I am not even sleeping throughout the night. But one thing I know for sure... God has NEVER left me or my family. God has never foresaken me, no matter the situation. No matter the time. No matter the circumstance. When I only had $12 in my bank account, it was God who gave me the doula job so I had $12,000 in my bank account over the next few days. When I quit my job during COVID, it was God who gave me the money to get my own apartment. When I needed a place to stay when I was 17, it was God who found me my own house. It was God all along, not me. So, I am praying for his hand in my life. In my family's life... 2025 was a tough year where I had an episode and almost died in January 2025. I lost conciousness, hit my head, and had to gete 8 stitches. That situation could've honestly ended worse but it didn't. He kept me. So, I have alot of anxiety and when I look at my cat, I get sad. I don't want to leave my baby. She's all I have and my family. But I want to be serious about my education. I still don't know what I want to do about my degree once I get it. I have plans to maintain an apartment in New Jersey and Atlanta. So, I believe I can either get my master's here in Jersey or also Atlanta. I plan to get an apartment in Atlanta, so I can be much closer to my family. When I moved here, I had a dream of being a model, I accomplished alot but now I want to focus on school and my family. That's all I have. I honestly don't ever know if I can handle working a job, I'm not sure. There's so much I want to work on within myself such as being more patient, humble, and disciplined.... Discipline is the biggest one. I have lost alot and went through so much because I was not disciplined. Although, I know God will continue to restore and heal. I am working through everything while also dealing with so many mental illnesses (7+).