I Thought This Year I Wasn't Going to Go In

This year, I went to the psych ward for my birthday again. It sucks every time. I'd rather spend my birthday at home in my bed, but I was strapped down from the ankles to my wrists due to not complying to a welfare check. I know now to just open the door when the police come. I do not like the police. I do not trust the police. I never have since a little girl getting my first rape kit at 5 years old. They like to play games that I do not like to participate in. I did not really enjoy my birthday this year, but that's really ok. It is a blessing to be breathing and walking around. I was able to catch up on most of my school work already. I have one 4 page essay and a test due but I will try to get that done tomorrow (Monday at the latest). I am a little disappointed in myself, but they tried to tell me in the psych ward that it's ok to get help. I know it's ok to recieve help sometimes, but I just want my brother back. I want my grandma back. I want my dad back before he started doing heroin. I want my family back. I want my heart back. I want my innocence back. I want it all back, but it is ok to also acknowledge that those things are not tangible to have and I must move on. Life gets to me sometimes. We all deal with things and people everyday. I am grateful for school. I am so so close to getting my bachelors. I do get a little overwhelmed with all the work and my daily duties and taking care of bills, my cat, myself, etc but I pray every single day. I try every single day. And I think that counts for something right :) At least I am trying. At least I want more for myself. I am not hurting anyone, but I do put myself in harms way at times. I have been hurt many times and been in many hurtful situations. But that's ok because it's all over. It's done. Big girl now. No more tears. Just me and my school work while I try to go shopping for all these new outfits lol. I bought like 24 toe rings and I think I can wear them 24/7 and honestly that would make me happy. I love toe rings, so cute right. But yes, I celebrated my 26th birthday in the psych ward this year. And that is ok.