Forgiving my dad has been a rollercoster ride of emotions. At the end of every day, I love my dad. I will never stop loving my dad, I'm sorry to admit. I had my first rape kit when I was 5 years old due to a court case of molestation opened against my father. I was molested and sexually abused from ages 5-15. Unfortunately, the rape kit came back with complications and my testimony against my father wasn't strong enough to convict my dad of child molestation. I was sent back to live with my dad until I was 15 years old. I have permanent clitoral damage, nerve damage on my vaginal canal, and a hypersensitive private area due to all of the years of molestation. I am unable to bear a child due to the severity of the sexual abuse. I am a tormented soul, but I could never be mad at anyone despite the things they do and say to me. My dad hurt me. My dad disappointed me. I wanted to be a daddy's girl for life. I wanted to be enough for my dad. That was my dream. I wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle. It's ok for me to know that my dad will never walk me down the aisle. Because it's the truth. The truth is ok. The truth is that my dad was and is a suspect in my twin brother Sidney's murder. I miss my brother so much, life is miserable without him. Yes, I will be vulnerable and admit that I am miserable. Although, I am plagued with torment, I still love my daddy. I understand his addiction to heroin. I understand him being a war veteran and fighting in the Vietnam war. I understand my dad, that's why I love and forgive him. Life is beautiful even when it hurts. God shows me something brand new every day in my healing.
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