School Is Going Good

School is going so good, I predict that I will get all a's this semester. We had to watch 'Harriet' for class and it was my first time watching it actually. It makes me so emotional when I watch slavery movies. What my people have been through.. It brings tears to my eyes. I still am eyeing that doctorate in Africana studies. That is my absolute dream to get my PhD in Africana studies. I know I can do it, but obviously I have to get my Bachelor's first and then get into a good master's program. I wish I was doing more with my life sometimes and even I don't know what I mean by that. I don't know.. Sometimes just wish I was doing more things and achieving more things. But I am praying for content everyday. Content with my life condition. Content with where I am and what I am doing and where I am going. I put so much pressure on myself to be this perfect person. It's just not possible to be perfect. What I can do everyday is try. And that's more than enough. I miss Sidney more and more everyday. I wish he was still here, he deserves to be here and it eats at my soul. My survivor's guilt tells me he deserves to be here more than I do and that bothers me. I try not to think like that as I sit here at 6 AM and I write. But I think like that... And have always thought he deserved to be here more than me. It's not a very nice thought, but I think it. This time that I spent in the psych ward (11 days) was more than enough time to understand that this life can be a bit much sometimes. It can be really sad sometimes. For me, it's not always what I go through but the fact that I don't have anybody there to hold me through hard times. And I've gotten to a point where I don't even want anybody to be there during hard times. I want to be left alone most of the time. I want to be by myself. I want to spend holidays by myself. I don't want to be touched or looked at. I just want to be. And I don't know how healthy that is nor do I care. I know what it's like to lose a twin and nobody gives a fuck about you. Shit hurts. So yeah, sometimes it is fuck everybody. Sometimes I wish I wasn't here in all honesty, but I am here. I am trying. My best actually. But there's days where the going gets so tough and I lose hope. The only thing that hasn't left me is my kindness, which annoys me at best. I wish I could be mean to people the way people do me but I can't. So, at least, I have some kindness and sweetness left in me?