the strongest lover... angelic love

'Angel' is my favorite covered song. There's also a male artist named 'Ezra' who covers it as well and I love his version too. I'm listening to it right now actually. It's 6:32 AM and I'm up thinking... Life can be so delightful sometimes. So alluring. I have lost two brothers and a step brother. My twin brother Sidney was murdered, my brother Nauris had an undiagnosed heart condition and never woke up a couple of years ago, and one of my step brothers jumped off a bridge. Instead of being sad this morning, I am thinking of the word 'Love'. Love is soo strong. So powerful. So healing. I still meekly seek my kingdom marriage. It's something I don't really like to talk about too much as I'm submissively pursuing a better relationship with God. It's a lowly goal on my vision board. I want to be cherished. I would like to know what that's like from a romantic standpoint, I am quite curious and fond of the notion. I know that I am not ready yet to even date or talk to anybody, but I know what I want. I know what I deserve. I know God depends on me to follow him and submit to his word and his guidance. I know. I am softhearted but life has terrified me to a point of always running away. I run when I feel like I'm a bother. I run when things get tough. I run when I need help. I run and I don't look back, only to see how far I've gotten. If I could... I'd love someone and worship them all day with all my heart and soul. I'd swim across the deepest and darkest ocean. I would make all their dreams come true and exceed their expectations when it comes to the limitations that life naturally places on each individual. I'll stand in the rain all night and all morning. I'd play all day and tease all night. Anything for my beloved. Anything and more. Anything and everything. I'd be their angel, following them everywhere they go and where ever I'm needed. I would surround my life around their triumphs and pleasure, because that's how I was raised to love. I was raised to love with the devotion of a guardian angel. That's sometimes why I cry about Sidney. I was his appointed guardian angel and I failed at my job. If I were to be appointed that job again, I'd never take a vacation. Never take a leave. I'd work all day and all night. Time and a half. Overtime to make sure they feel admired and deserving. I am not looking for that arrangement as I know it will be placed at my feet. I know that I wouldn't mind washing the hands and feet of my lionized idol all day. I wouldn't mind. At all. I am a paramour at heart. I am a twin. I am a devotee and I lost my life partner. I lost my rain dance buddy. I lost my co-explorer. I would be the determined succulent of my kingdom marriage, knowing I've lost my mirror image before. I died 1,000,000 times when I had to identify my brother with a gun shot wound to his head. I died. Resuscitated. And died again. 1,000,000 times over. I am still dying. But I still seek out that gift of giving of the love I've fostered throughout my childhood. If I am to be received. If I am to be accepted, I would never leave my post. The most caring defender. I am a strong person, but I will weaken my knees for the cherub that God has thrusted in my orbit. Yes I'm strong, but I'll show my tears to my seraph. I will show them whatever it takes to please them and do whatever it takes to maintain our intimacy and solidarity. When I was married, I couldn't be soft. I had to be tough, Nigerian tough. I am not a tough girl. I am fragile. I am sentimental. I am giving of what's deserved and more. I offer what's not asked for but what is exceeding. I don't stop giving. Even when my soul leaves this Earth, I will continue to bestow and confer. I am the one that they can turn to as I'm always looking to them. Auspicious circumstances.